• my heart hurts
    and my chest burns
    like i'm
    in Hell
    with one look from you
    i can see you smiling
    in the halls
    in my mind
    every time i close my eyes
    but it's never for me
    because you don't even
    acknowledge
    my existence
    and that's okay
    i think
    it's better to know you
    once
    knew of my existence
    even if now
    you look past me
    like i'm invisible
    oh, and Cara
    is mad at you
    for stealing her line
    but, i think, it's all show
    like how i want to see you
    in
    pain
    so that
    perhapsibly
    you might notice me
    or know how much one word
    from you mouth
    can hurt me
    and i've never been able to
    read
    people's eyes
    not like yours
    yours are expressive
    and painful
    and oblivious
    and still immature
    but i love them the same
    the same
    stupid
    illogical
    silly
    frivolous
    way that
    i love everything you are
    and do
    from the 2 jackets
    (olive green & blue)
    you always wear
    to how you got an in-the corner time-out
    (aw, so cute)
    in Health
    (blame Amy Spurling)
    i hate you so. so. much
    can't you understand?

    i remember that time
    you said you loved me
    i didn't believe you
    and then you said you were kidding
    i hope you know that
    beyond all sense and sensibility
    you cracked me
    that day
    while still leaving me untouched
    (been goin' crazy from the moment i met you)

    i remember the time
    when you asked me what's the problem
    with that Leslie girl?
    and i realized
    that instant
    second
    moment
    you notice her more
    than you notice me
    and i wasn't actually suprised
    (i saw the way you always glanced her way)
    you should know
    i cried
    myself to sleep that night

    i remember the time
    you told me
    matter-of-factly
    that you hated me
    i didn't really feel anything
    at the time
    but later
    when i examined your every move
    action
    word
    expression
    tone
    and realized
    that i was happy
    because the opposite of love
    contrary to popular belief
    isn't hate
    it's apathy
    indifference
    no feeling
    because hate involves passion
    attachment
    strings left
    dangling
    and then
    i also realized
    that
    you didn't care
    not really, truly
    you neither hated me
    nor loved me
    and it broke my heart
    because the only thing
    left
    was indifference
    i can't say i was really
    surprised
    shocked
    gobsmacked
    because the thought
    the ideal
    the fairytale
    of having
    ever
    a requited feeling
    loving someone
    and that person loving you back
    no, impossible
    (and, god, i want to love you)
    i want to hate you
    there's nothing more i can do
    but i can never fully hate you
    and i can never fully
    love
    you
    just let me hate you
    because hating you is so much easier
    than hoping you love me too
    you have too many loose ends
    and need some closure
    i'm not the person you want
    need
    the person
    to give you
    that closure
    (i need to just tell you)
    i hope love doesn't scare you
    (i'm not scared of love, i'm scared of not being loved back)
    but i guess i can never
    honestly
    love you
    (anton)
    because you don't care for me
    and never will
    you won't think of me
    writing this alone
    wanting to cry
    but the tears not falling
    you don't wonder about what i'm thinking
    if i ever think about you
    (i do)
    my friends don't understand
    that my feelings
    about people
    are always strong
    and last my whole life
    (at least a little)
    and i want you
    to be the first one
    i tell before i
    lose him
    feel special
    i want you to know that
    you've taken some of my love
    with you
    and i will never be the same
    because love isn't love 'til you give it away