please,stay

• Artist: smartscs_twilight lover96
• Description: this is a poem i wrote today and i think its ok .Ive written better but i gave it a shot.Hope you like it .
• Date: 08/23/2009
• Tags: please stay

today is my birthday,you did'nt even stay.
I asked you why,you said get away.
I'm not as mad I thought I'd be.
dosent mean you can (...sigh)just leave me be.
your out of my house and out of my life.
SO leave,and I won't look back,not once,not twice. crying sweatdrop

Comments

[DietMusketer]

Perfect. LUv this one.
Keep On Writing

[ProfessorKC]

Okay, I was a bit harsh, but it does need some work. You admitted that yourself. I take into consideration that there is emotion behind this, but as a poem, you need to speak in images and not in direct plain dialogue. Check out wwhat I posted on the forum for writers it may help and I do teach this stuff ... I don't mean to squash anyone down either ... got a bit frustrated with what I had read till this point ... So sorry about that.

[ProfessorKC]

Even the emotes are crying after readin' this ... sorry but ... no.

[lazi-party-girl]

that was heartbreaking. 5/5