• i was just thinking...my granpa, my papa, is watching me now...somewere high in the clouds hes happy. he can walk and fly with the angels... he can talk with god, he can eat what ever he wants and not have to worry about his blood presure, or blood suger. but i keep wondering if he knows how sorry i am that i never told him how much i loved him. i never said it when i had the chance, i hugged him and said "love you Papa." thinking that i could always come back tomarow and tell him the same thing. he never knew how much he ment to me, its only when hes gone do i wish i could go back all thoughs times and hug him longer, smell that old smell of his house, look into thoughs old eyes, see the millions of things hes seen through his words... i can hear him saying "Kwichabellyaken!" (quit your belly aking) wich meens he wants me to stop crying and blubbering about him. but i can put it down, i wish so much that i could just go back and put one more little green bow on his shiney bald head, or just bring him his water cup, hug him for a little longer, sit at his feet and help him open his presents and ask "How old are you Papa?" and listen to him answer "Two!" i want to sit at the table and refill his glass of milk and eat corned beef and cabage and joke over the green jello salad and argue that the white turky is better then the dark turky and laugh about the time my mom didnt make the jello right and it turned into green jello soup, i want to hold his hand again and wisper at his hospital bed just one more time that i love him more then anything in the world! oh what i would give just to go back to one day! just one moment, just one moment to hu!g him and tell him that i really loved him with all my heart and soul!!!!i'll never ever forgive myself for not taking that split second to tell him though three words "I love you." i sat there at his hospital bed at the last moments of his life and i still said to myself "its going to be OK. its just another scare, in a few days you'll be at his house getting him a glass of water." why in the f***ing world didnt i care! i loved him so much! and now that hes gone i cant ever tell him how much i loved him its going to sit with me for the rest of my stupid, waist of life! i remember standing there in the protective gown and gloves holding his hand, rubbing it with my thumb, i felt each old rinkle, each scar, i felt as it went from warm to freezing cold under the tips of my fingers, i knew that it was the end but i never said a word. i didnt even care when my sister stopped me in the parking lot to tell me he died! not even one tear as i sat in the hospital garden watching flower pedals dance accross the floor, not one tear of sadness left my eyes, not one! i knew it was the end i knew i knew i knew!!!!!! why oh why couldnt i for just once care about somebody but my stupid selfish self!!! im jsut a fat, ugly, careless, stinking, manlike, waist of human life! i dont know how i look at myself in the miror with a smile on my face...