Yeah. I'm sure everyone knows about the website where people put up pics of themselves, and people can rate their pics. Well... my brother did it. Both of my brothers did it actually. My youngest brother actually got some fairly decent ratings. Well, recently, my boyfriend put his picture on there... and did it kind of sneakily at first. He, i guess, feels a need to know if people find him sexy or not. Well, he wasn't getting too many votes at all with his first picture, so he changed it and edited some stuff out. Then, now he's getting a lot more votes. They are kind of all over the place... but even so, there is a lot more voting being done on him. The whole thing gives me a bit of angst. I mean.... I guess it could just be harmless... probably tons of people do it. I could even put one up there if i wanted I suppose.
The thing is... he checks it everyday! This must mean that it really matters to him what kind of rating he gets. And, if it matters that much, he is having an inner desire to be attractive to other people. I guess everyone has that desire I guess.... but... I am attracted to him. I think he's sexy. And... it makes me feel like what i feel for him isn't enough. What i feel towards him almost doesn't even count as those kind of feelings in his book really. It makes me feel like he is going to create a need in himself for something that he won't let me even be able to fill for him. He is creating a need that can only be filled by other people... and it's very hurtful to me to not be able to meet inner needs of his. We are mates and life partners. I just want to be everything to him; just like he is everything to me.
Then again, I guess that just might be my jealous side there a little... but, well... maybe a lot. But, my jealousy is really one of my greatest weaknesses besides my never ending and uncontrollable hunger for.... "doing things." and.. this jealousy fits that come over me... i so wish i could just get over them. It sucks so bad. I just really would love to be able to not even care about it... where i could know about it and it not bother me one bit. that would be nice... and too.. i know if the more i want to have josh not do stuff... it may make him just want to do it more. I mean... most people are like that in their basic instinct. While he believes in Christ, he still lacks the gift of the holy spirit. and.... without the Holy Ghost... it can be hard for people to resist those urges in the flesh. It's through the comforter some of us are able to say, "No! I will submit myself because i Love someone. I will not allow my flesh to ruin my life."
Then, last night i was thinking tho. about my jealousy trips... are they some kind of inner struggle just for control? I wonder if they are. What if they were?? Could I, in my obsessive compulsive behavior, be developing a need to control stuff? and.. the jealousy being a vehicle of an attempt to get control on what he does.. like who he talks to and who he's not allowed to... and me feeling upset if i don't know them or haven't approved... maybe i am more mad about the fact that it wasn't submitted to me for approval. I do tend to think that I should be able to say whether or not i like who he talks to. I wish he'd want me to like who he talks to. That he'd want to share that with me. Maybe he's just not ready for that kind of level of intimacy. But... if i were to ever ask him that to his face... he'll try to claim he's already there waiting for me. stare I swear... that just really rolls me when he tries that. it's so lame. rolleyes I'm not mad really.... a little jealous.
A girl from the GPG has a sig quote that says "love is blind; but jealousy sees too much." i've been really thinking about it.
love that is blind... can't see people's faults and what they do wrong
jealousy sees all their faults and sees them doing wrong where they aren't doing it.
I see... I have a lot more praying to do. I felt lately like I've been doing such a good job of starting to overcome these issues within myself. I really want to get to a place where i overcome them for good. I hope Jesus will just comfort my heart. ^_^ and give me the strength to know everything is going to be ok... even if i feel scared or nervous... learning how to trust again can really be scary.
but, in those mangas of fruits basket... she says her mother said that it's easy to distrust people.. and she told tohru to be the kind of person who can believe... and in most things, i am the type of person who can believe.. so why can't i do it when it comes to Josh????? gonk sweatdrop I want to... I do so much. I do more than I used to.
Well, that lady from the Michigan State Nutrition program is supposed to come by today. we were supposed to be making apple crisp.. but i haven't had a chance to go get all the stuff i need. crying redface geez. this is second time i've done this. i just really want to cancel our meeting today and post pone it.
 Graceangel · Wed Oct 13, 2004 @ 04:45pm · 0 Comments |
