My mother the french potato snatcher
My mother is COMPLETELY insane. We were walking through Albertsons today doing some routine grocery shopping so we could cook a fairly decent dinner tonight when my mom decided that mashed potatoes would make a nice side dish. So we walked over to the produce isle only to befind that Albertsons has started covering the potato stand with a black cloth during the evenings to prevent them from getting damaged by the heavy flourescent lighting.
"Of course. No one eats potatoes after 6:30, what is wrong with YOU?" My mom says loudly in my general direction. I ignore her and turn to a nearby attendant and ask,
"Is it okay to lift the cover to get the potatoes?" He replies yes and explains about the light damage to which i nod boredly and turn back around, lifting the black cloth from the spuds. Suddenly, in an extrodinarily fake sounding french accent i hear my mom say.
"Ah, ze were hiding! Hiding from us Kassie. Well now we've found them and we are going to take zem home, chop them into little bits, boil zem and listen to zem scream...*insert fake french laughter*" Unable to ignore this latest i turn around wide eyed and stare at the crazy lady just like anyone else would.
"Haha my leetle potatoes. You 'ave no chance now! Kassie, quick! A plastic sack so i may capture z'eeze potoes. The red ones first." I hand her the bag.
"Now another bag so i may get ze white ones too. For we cannot just torture one type of potato we must make the others watch and zen zey will talk.... *more fake french laughter" By now i'm really starting to think my mom has lost it. So i play along in hopes that her potatocidal tendencies might not extend to me as well...
"Talk about what? Why they are called french fries when they are not indeed french?"
"YES!" she shouts. "Zey slander the good french name with there potatoeyness. And now zey will pay..." Nodding i reply.
"And here i thought it originated back when the germans used to fry the french in big ovens... oh wait no those were jews sorry..." Causing her to, for some reason, switch the accent and say
"Are you mashuganosh (sp) In the head? Talking about such things..." Meanwhile i'm now starting to giggle...
She said this all at the top of her lungs in the middle of the grocery store... And you people wonder why i'm warped...
If that wasn't bad enough we were on the drive home and she was attempting to explain to me the inner workings of the french potato snatcher mind when she paused in mid sentance only to continue by telling me that lately she's been feeling people touching her when nobody's there lately. Like the reason she paused was because somebody just kneed the back of her seat but nobody was sitting behind her... We pulled into the driveway and she says
" Kassie i think i'm going insane" in a joking manner. To which i could only reply
"And you're just noticing this?"
DO ANYBODY ELSES PARENTS DO THIS KIND OF THING?!?!
Or are mine just unique in their strangeness...
 mistress_of_insanity · Wed Sep 05, 2007 @ 05:00am · 0 Comments |
