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I'm going insane. I'm hungry but I cant eat. So so tired but I can't sleep. Everytime I close my eyes I see hers. And it drives me insane. and I cry. I thought I was a strong person but I found someone who broke me. I do nothing but grasp onto the good times we had and wish for them back. Do nothing but regret my mistake for confronting her. but I had to because I was in so much pain. I didn't know it could get worse. All the promises she made me. She said her feelings wouldn't change for years. but that's what they all say right? Because a few days later they don't even want to talk or look at you. We made deals and promises so many of them. I ruined it because I was paranoid. I don't care if she loved someone else why did she lie about it? I asked for the truth and said I could accept it. she lied instead. Then tried to run from her problems. I stopped her but at a price. Everything seemed fine but then it wasn't. I feel so used. So beaten and broken. She hates me. she ******** hates me. I can see where I went wrong but why does she have to point those few little things out? I never pointed out all her faults, only her strengths. I did what touched her shoulder? I understand why it scared her. But she knows I would never hurt her! Why would she let it scare her? Get to her like that? Is it because she Was in fact using me? Even so She doesn't have to love me. But why can't we just be friends? I don't see why she has to hate me for the one little thing I did! she is the one that lied the whole time! Made the biggest Mistakes! Not only that Sam wont speak to me anymore either. I lost two of my best friends ever. I got so close just to be torn away. And it hurts all the more. When she put Sam down behind her back. I would point out all the good in her. and when she pointed out all the good in me I would disagree. Or point something bad out. Why?! AM I THAT STUPID?! No wonder she loves sam more. Sam really is a better person. At least from the way I make it seem. Sam certainly didn't fall in love with her best friend's girlfriend now did she? That was my fualt. I worried to much about sam.... didn't I? But I care for them both so much. It doesn't really bother me that they are together. I just want to see them both happy. That's what makes me smile. The problem is They want nothing to do with me. that's what hurts. She said it took me to realize how much she needed Sam. Is that because of how good I made sam look? how bad I made myself look? Or is it just because I wouldn't whip it out on a whim? Did she really want my innocence that bad? Or was there an underlying motive? There is so many mean things I could point out about her. Tell everyone so much crap. But I'm not like that. I'm a nice person. A nice guy. That's what got me ******** in the end. She can have my ******** Xbox. She can have my innocence. She can have my blood. she has already taken my heart and stamped it into the ground. I don't care what she takes from me. I don't care if she loves me. I just want my friends back. I just don't want them to hate me. I guess the deal is off. She was going to wait an extra year to leave. and I was going to go one place with her. I just hope she waits for sam. Because if she leaves sooner. It will be hard keeping my promise. The one I made to take care of sam if she up and left. Seeing as Sam hates me. If she does leave... I'll try my best to keep my promises. It's who I am.


Someone made a point to me. After All I have done for them. Kept them together helped them find each other. too them in. Fed them. All those stupid little things. Constantly dropping what I was doing to run them around. Getting in trouble for it half the time. Yeah After all that? If they rly can kick me out of their lives so easily and not want to even glance my way then maybe I was being used the whole time after all. Sad thing is I still miss them. After I fell in love with her we once decided we would try and be just friends. I made this small suggestion that maybe we should avoid each other... She cried for a long time. It really upset her. But after we fixed it she didnt want to be just friends she said we couldnt and she kissed me. I dont understand if me suggesting it hurt her so much.... How she and sam could just do it to me. After all that I've done for them. that's what cuts the deepest.


She told me to go back to Mia...But you it isn't that easy. She says Mia deserves me... needs me... If I'm rly that bad that they don't want to be friends anymore. Does anyone deserve me? I couldn't do that to Mia. She is just about over me. And me I'm still lost and confused and broken. I'm not sure what to think. I can't do anything. I would be making her a rebound and that just isn't right. She doesn't understand that. I think she in a way feels bad perhaps. Or maybe she wants me to be happy to. Maybe thats why she wants me to find someone else. Or maybe she doesn't care at all. But she just doesn't want me to have feelings for her. Wants to be rid of me. Get her off her back. Either way I think it will be awhile before I find anyone else, Not many people like me like that. And the way she treats me now I'm not even sure she did at all. I feel so used. I doubt she even read the 7 pages that I wrote her. I could have easily done 20... Maybe I should have. Everything was fine I felt better last night after talking To Mia and Bridget. But Everytime I close my eyes and sleep. I see her. Then I dream about her. Sam to. And how we used to be friends. The good times. Least I slept last night... That a first in a awhile. Still cried though....