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Its been a while since my last entry. I've been away for a while. So many things have been going on.

This life I've had as been mutilated, in love, envious, drugged, depressed, and much more. My heart has been going up and down. My days have been bright with everyone around me having a good time, to the cold isolation of my house consuming my feelings and all. Hours I spend on the computer doing nothing. It reminds me of last summer. A bitterness I held, so unhappy when taken from my drug. Unable to enjoy the outside world and its unlimited possibilities.

Love... its what kept me going for a long time until I screwed it up. I tried to push away the one I loved to they wouldn't love me anymore. I was a fool to think I'd succeed. They held onto me through the worst of my changes, but now I think they've just let me go. They don't talk to me anymore, they don't have time. Then as I sit in the darkness pondering my love for them I realize that I truly love them and it hurts to be away.

I hate my naive teenage mind. Its so unbalanced and unstable. Such a broken down feeling it has to it. I shed tears when I'm just sitting in my room from nothing. My mood is high in the sky one moment and the next its as dark as my room at night. There is no light. When I'm near my family or friends I must mask myself, as hard as it is sometimes.

Watching other love... for example my friend and his girlfriend. Its hard to be around them for my longing will come around. A sadness that droops into my soul makes me want to burst into tears... I'd thought I'd never cry over someone in my life. I guess I was wrong.

Alone and isolated from the world within my home I grab a knife. I feel all the pain and envy and love, isolation and make a mark for each time its come to me. No tears are shed for such a mutilation. Twenty-one I've created on my left arm. A bitter sting it had, but it didn't matter to me, these feelings were gone.