and so a comment was left on my journal November 3. it was just now that I read it and I feel terrible. I should have been more positive. If I don't have a constant reminder my own self esteem will dwindle to nothing.
It was a positive comment he left and It's all I have left. I will save it to a pm and read it. I don't know what to do now but I feel very lonely and empty. I'm not very good at saying things cause I'm so quiet. I feel terrible that this has happened again. There must be something wrong with me. I have never lost so much before. Not like this. It makes me very ___. But I can't do that....Not now. ___ ____ would hurt others so I should find a different way. A way to release stress and gain energy so that I can one day be good enough for him. My life line and I have been disconnected. I might ___ without it....I need it to sustain myself. I need him.
Enough for now. I fear my bothersome journal will invite worry. I do not wish that. I tried, I really did. I know I did and I must not ____ myself. it would help nothing. I want to return to my old self or to a place and time where our love was so pure and it reigned. I think we are meant to be after all we went through....or I could be wrong....I hope not. I hope I am right, cause he is my light in the darkness. He saved me and I saved him....Well, that's what he told me. Anyway, heartbreak is very painful.
I may become rather solitary from this. He is in every aspect of my life and thus moving on for me, will be close to impossible. I don't know about him though, he is going to try because I am not doing him any good anyway. I was hoping that I would be different but maybe I'm nothing special. Maybe I never was. Because we came this far and it ended due to distance. I don't know.
School is about to get so much harder. I don't think I'll be able to work my best. My grades slip when I hurt badly. It was like this two years ago too. I actually failed my chem class and almost failed my AP class. It was stress full. maybe I shouldn't go back to school till we move. Then I won't have to worry about wasting money when I know I won't do well....I guess. I must think on that.
That's a pretty prom picture. I look at it and I want to smile. I must find ways to be happy and then maybe I can make him happy. If I do that then maybe we'll have a chance. But the only thing that would make me happy right now is him. I have to find a way to be happy or else I loose again....I've already lost the game but I can't loose the war. it's ok to fight sometimes, to argue, to cuss....We just need time. That's all. Time that isn't moving fast enough. I'm dying here, but I cannot move yet. it's torture and I feel like giving myself more torture. like...____ ____....or ____ on ____. right...I shouldn't be thing those things. I must be strong...for our sakes...if he doesn't hate me.
He probably does because I won't truly let him go...I won't...I don't want to....It isn't fair. Why was it our love and not someone elses? I wish fate would not be so cruel. my heart might burst before the year ends. I tend to get such constricted chest pains sometimes. But that is another story for another time. I should go now, and try to find away to cheer up for his sake...and mine.
It was a positive comment he left and It's all I have left. I will save it to a pm and read it. I don't know what to do now but I feel very lonely and empty. I'm not very good at saying things cause I'm so quiet. I feel terrible that this has happened again. There must be something wrong with me. I have never lost so much before. Not like this. It makes me very ___. But I can't do that....Not now. ___ ____ would hurt others so I should find a different way. A way to release stress and gain energy so that I can one day be good enough for him. My life line and I have been disconnected. I might ___ without it....I need it to sustain myself. I need him.
Enough for now. I fear my bothersome journal will invite worry. I do not wish that. I tried, I really did. I know I did and I must not ____ myself. it would help nothing. I want to return to my old self or to a place and time where our love was so pure and it reigned. I think we are meant to be after all we went through....or I could be wrong....I hope not. I hope I am right, cause he is my light in the darkness. He saved me and I saved him....Well, that's what he told me. Anyway, heartbreak is very painful.
I may become rather solitary from this. He is in every aspect of my life and thus moving on for me, will be close to impossible. I don't know about him though, he is going to try because I am not doing him any good anyway. I was hoping that I would be different but maybe I'm nothing special. Maybe I never was. Because we came this far and it ended due to distance. I don't know.
School is about to get so much harder. I don't think I'll be able to work my best. My grades slip when I hurt badly. It was like this two years ago too. I actually failed my chem class and almost failed my AP class. It was stress full. maybe I shouldn't go back to school till we move. Then I won't have to worry about wasting money when I know I won't do well....I guess. I must think on that.
That's a pretty prom picture. I look at it and I want to smile. I must find ways to be happy and then maybe I can make him happy. If I do that then maybe we'll have a chance. But the only thing that would make me happy right now is him. I have to find a way to be happy or else I loose again....I've already lost the game but I can't loose the war. it's ok to fight sometimes, to argue, to cuss....We just need time. That's all. Time that isn't moving fast enough. I'm dying here, but I cannot move yet. it's torture and I feel like giving myself more torture. like...____ ____....or ____ on ____. right...I shouldn't be thing those things. I must be strong...for our sakes...if he doesn't hate me.
He probably does because I won't truly let him go...I won't...I don't want to....It isn't fair. Why was it our love and not someone elses? I wish fate would not be so cruel. my heart might burst before the year ends. I tend to get such constricted chest pains sometimes. But that is another story for another time. I should go now, and try to find away to cheer up for his sake...and mine.
