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does anyone know how lonely a life can be? how lonely it can be thinking the way i do. thinking so differently from everyone else? dressing different acting and thinking just being different? i wake up every single day just to drag my a** over to this desk.... just hoping that god will spare me. i repeat day after day doing almost the same thing every time. i lose more and more sleep each day but my average a day is 6 hrs. i have 4 months of my life left to actually do what i want..... and im wasting it....I'm not dying but i might as well be. i have 4 months till i go to college conform,and be a slave to society and franchise. i probably will work at McDonalds.
and my biggest dream. my biggest dream is to find someone whom i can love and loves me back and just form a family. one of my own and just be happy with my kids and wife. and each day i wake up...and feel like thats becoming more and more of a pipe dream. fictional. just unobtainable. my second dream that i just joke about is making a grunge band and just having fun freebie concerts and stuff. no big label or anything. but thats also impossible for me. i can't sing and i just.... don't have the motivation to practice my guitar.
i have some one whom i love of course. and i love her enough to say i give up. that i won't try to be with her any longer. let her be happy with her bf probably will marry him but idk future holds what it holds and shes a while from marriage. my family doesnt understand me much.... doesn't understand how i feel atm they know im depressed and are frustrated that i wont get medication or anything.... but it won't help me. if it did...what life would i live anyway? i could accomplish all yet be empty all because of love and friendship not being there. if your reading this then you probably realize by now wow this kids a ******** whinny little emo kid. but then again its my journal and i can write what i want so F off. i also drank a bit beer sucks but i liked the feeling... i didn't drink much but i still liked the feeling.
-sigh- and Eve. she...shes a really great friend.. and she tries like ******** to help me most of the time. even though she can be pretty depressed sometimes. and i just say leave me alone and no i give up.... but my logic is different. i don't want to conform like she says i should. she means the best really. and it probably is best but..... i no longer see the point of trying. its mostly for me now..and i won't do it for me. but then again its for her and the rest of u as well...i thought i loved her at one point. i even said it to her. and she seemed a little frustrated that i was. but she is really awesome. but now it seems i don't love her. most likely because it was crushed early enough. for the best ^^. neutral
life just seems so empty now. i see clearly now. perhaps too clearly. or mayhaps too clouded? either or things don't feel right, feel off. just feel bleak ,boring, dirty, fake. i just.... don't want to live much. and perhaps if i was never conceived. then others would of been spared by my negative influence. but then not much would differ i have had no major impact upon anyone or anything.
I know quiet a few of my friends will have some to say of this. for instance Eve,Jaz,Forest? most likely but also at the same improbable. i love you all in some way, shape, or form; and enough of it to say... i should no longer play apart in your lifes. i make things more difficult. why should you carry my burdens among your own? you shouldn't and thats why i should leave....
but yet again you will all have something to say for that as well. but you must accept we will ... veer off in different directions, soon enough, and our friend ships shall dwindle.
I'm sorry. neutral