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In the safe haven the is my home, I shy away from the world to not let it know my true colors. No one knows who I really am, and I like to keep it that way. Except for one person... Steven. He knows me almost better than I know myself, which is not really saying much. I'm scared of telling him all of my secrets and how I'm feeling, because I'm scared of him using it against me. How dysfunctional is that? Truth is, I don't want to annoy him or make him sad by telling him how I'm depressed all the time or how I want to hurt myself. I'm scared it'll push him away, so I'd rather not tell him... He would much rather me tell him though, but it just scares me. It also kinda scares me... that he might not have taken our engagement seriously. Since he doesn't call me his fiancee or tell anyone, so it kinda makes me sound like it's all in my head when I mention it to people. I don't care if we don't get married for another five years, I just want him to act like it's the real deal, because it is... I dunno, maybe I'm just overreacting as always. Also, I am very insecure about myself at the moment. I kinda want to just curl up in a ball and sleep all day so I wouldn't have to deal with my ugliness or talentlessness. Yes, I just came up with that word, leave me alone. I also want to do something stupid. I want to cut and try to drown myself. I dunno why I want to try the second, but I do. I also want to start starving myself again. I've been doing it a lot lately, but I can't go a whole day without anything. I'll eat once a day at the very most. Ugh, why am I so ******** up?
 Annabella Goddess Of Ice · Mon Jul 13, 2009 @ 02:15am · 0 Comments |
