...
I feel quite bad.
Not just because the red river is flowing, but I get tired of it. Even if it doesn't show, or I refuse to let it get to me, doesn't mean it doesn't hit me inside. I get really worn out from all of the stuff that's put on me.
My sister right now makes me feel like s**t. I was going to do my own hair, but my sister has something against it. Whenever I bring it up, she tries to shoot it down immediately. As I was doing it, Ashley said it looked gross and nasty. I nearly called her something that wouldn't have been nice, but I made it look as though I wasn't affected. I actually can't act pretty anymore. I've put up so much in order to hide that I don't want to be. It's now unexpected if I want to express that part. I keep that part of me tightly coiled up and non showing.
I mean, I would actually like to bask in done hair, nice clothes, and shoes, an overall good appearance. But, I have family mates who aren't liking that idea or it sounds so foreign. I actually do have a weaker, and very timid side that I hate showing because I feel weak and hopeless. I feel very depressed about it. I hate having to cover up with all this spontaneous and other personality that I have developed just to try to keep that part away.
Maybe I would actually like to act girly and dress girly if I had the chance. I hate the fact that I have put this up. Mostly from criticism, mostly because I hate drawing attention to myself. I feel so somber and down. What I hate more is seeing my brother. He is the definition of my hate, personified. I don't like the comments he makes, the spoiled bitchy attitude he has, how he treats my mum and makes very rude and could be downright hurtful to her feelings, calling her a bad mum and a horrible parent because she won't fix what he wants or let him do what he wants.
I ******** hate that worthless piece of s**t. I just hate him so much. Hopefully he'll realize that he is a douche bag,
I just feel so angry and sad. I keep up vented anger and overwhelming feelings of sadness. I may seem fine on the outside, but I actually am facing inner turmoils of who I actually am anymore. I just feel so ******** hopeless and frail. I have appearance issue with myself, I actually have emotional stress on me actually. I hate the fact that I feel this way.I sorta feel as though my parents are at each other a lot. My dad is turning 53 tomorrow and he is working so hard. My mum and him are always seemingly talking behind each others backs and making snide, rude comments. I happen to be the one there to capture the details.
I just can't keep dealing with my personal issues over and over again. My dad could be laid off anytime and it actually threatens us. I really don't want to be out on the streets since now it's getting cooler. This environment down here has rapidly changed.
If this global warming continues, then we won't really have anywhere to live on this planet. It's the only planet we can live on. It's the only one we can deal with. Why do you want to wreck the very thing that nurtures you? They say the Netherlands, Hong Kong and other places will be flooded and destroyed. Which means, over millions of refugees will be coming. Especially when China gets hit.
I hate feeling so goddamn worthless in my situation. I don't care if my sister makes snide comments about this, but it's where I can actually post some of my deeper thoughts.
I am listening to "Midnight Rambler" by The Rolling Stones. Very good song
