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I wish I could be more like Chloe.. I really don't know how she manages.. .__.

I feel pathetic, since I sit here online, all day, every day.. just waiting for her to get online.. really, if it wasn't for her, I probably wouldn't be online much at all.. hm...

I try to not care, too.. I try to not think about her, I try to pretend that I'm single sometimes, so I can forget.. but I really can't.. .__.;

I don't know how she can do it, she doesn't have this overwhelming urge to constantly be online, just to see me, and I wish I was the same way..

It really sucks.. I don't know what else I'd do if I wasn't online.. but I wouldn't feel this random feeling that I get from time to time, a lonely ache.. "I just want to be with her", that's the only thought that constantly runs through my head, and when she's online, I feel closer to her, just being able to see her makes it so much easier..

I don't know, I'm having random feelings right now.. it's not her fault, there's nothing she can do about it, etc... I just.. I dunno.

I used to be so different.. I used to pretty much not care about anyone at all, I'd leave for days without telling anyone anything, I'd go to my friends whenever, do whatever.. and I dunno.

Even if I moved out, I can tell I'd be the same way.. even with a license, and my own place, I'd still sit there, staring at the computer, counting the days until I get to finally move there.

I'm too attached, I think... far too attached.. and I just don't know how to deal with these feelings.. I've gotten MUCH much MUCH better at it.. but I still have random moments like this, random pangs where it's almost unbearable.. times where I just want to be with her, and her alone.. but i'm slowly getting better, slowly working myself to manage them...

I just.. miss her. I hate missing her, I hate having feelings, but I can't help it.. maybe I'm just lonely in general, maybe I just need new friends... I don't know.. I don't know..

I used to sometimes think that the only reason why I'd constantly get girlfriends was because it gave me a goal to look forward to, something to work towards, something I could achieve, a way to escape this shitty life.. but that's not it, not with her.. because with other girls, I didn't really care about them either way.. (for the most part.) If they were gone for weeks at a time, I didn't care... if they cheated on me, I got upset, but moved on by the next day..

I'm just maturing, maybe.. becoming more adult.. I've found someone who I really care about, and I want to be with them.. maybe.. I dunno.

She's also much better at hiding her feelings.. and I guess she just has more to distract her than I do.. she has more to pull her away from the bore of every day life.. she's living with friends, she has a car/can drive.. so maybe once I get my license, atleast, things will change for me.. maybe I'll stop caring so much.. maybe..

but I really doubt it...

Fact is, no matter where I am, she's all I can ever think about.. when I'm watching movies, she's constantly in my head.. when I'm with friends, I think about how she'd love to do this, or that.. and I know she probably doesn't constantly think about me.. and.. I kinda wish I could do that too.. there's a few things I could do, I could condition myself to stop thinking about herall the time.. but I don't want to.. it's something you do when someone you care about dies.. and I don't want to do that, because then I'll stop thinking about her completely.. or I might.. I don't know.. I don't want to pull away from her, I don't want to become distant...

I don't know anythign anymore.. maybe, maybe it'd be good if I did some.. maybe it'd be good if I did a little.. just enough to where I don't feel so needy, to where I don't constantly think about her.. but the thing is, I've never been good with controlling myself when it comes to that.. it's always, "all or nothing"... so.. I'm just not going to do it right now.. not now..

If it becomes a serious issue though, like it used to be, before I took control, then I may.. but I'm going to hold out, and see if I slowly learn to control these feelings better...