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MY LIFE CLOSED TWICE
Emily Dickinson
My life closed twice before its close:
It yet remains to see
If immortality unveil
A third event to me.
So huge, so hopeless to conceive.
As these that twice befell
Parting is all we know of heaven.
And all we need of hell.
When I was in grade-school, I was picked on by the other girls in my class. I guess I was exactly the type of person they were bound to hate. I was quiet, I drew a lot, and I kept mostly to myself. I didn't have any other friends. They would bully me everyday at school. I still try to understand what could have driven them to act the way they did. I could never understand why they hated me so much. Everyday after school, I'd go home crying. I didn't tell anyone I was being bullied: not even my parents, my teachers or my siblings.
I would sit next to my dog, Jao and tell him all that was wrong. While I cried, I would pet him, and he always seemed to understand whenever I was sad. He was my only friend then. Then, high-school came along and I made friends with other people. People stopped picking on me. I was liked. But there was nothing quite like Jao.
I am now in college. Jao died yesterday: he was ten years old already, quite old for a dog. The night before he died, he was throwing up, he was already having trouble digesting the food he ate. He died in the morning.
We buried him in our yard in our house in the province. I couldn't stop crying the whole time. After that, I locked myself in the bathroom. I wasn't crying because I didn't want him to die: he was already suffering. I was crying because I knew I would miss him so much.
Today, before I left for school, I felt something was missing. Our maid said it was odd now that I had no one to say "Bye-bye" to in a sugary baby voice, like I did when Jao was alive. And I felt the loneliness creep up.
When Emily Dickinson wrote the poem I wrote above, she was thinking that when her friend died, a part of her had died as well. That is exactly the way that I feel with Jao. He was the first friend I ever had after all. And when you feel some kindness after a lifetime of being misunderstood, you cling to that kindness. I miss him so much.
I used to think that I knew what longing felt. Longing is a deep wish for something you cannot have. Now that I lost Jao, I think I know what it really is. It is spending your every waking moment wishing that that good friend is here. Longing is feeling so much sadness in every part of your body for the pain of your loss. I long to have him again.
I have lots of other friends now. But I think I will still feel that something is missing. I am so grateful that I had the chance to have such a good dog like him. I hope that God just helps me deal with the sadness. For now, I am but a child chasing my hopes against the wind. I will persist, and hope they that I can manage to hold on to one.
Jao 24 January 2006
 Allerisse · Wed Jan 25, 2006 @ 12:27pm · 3 Comments |
