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jeez im sure a jealous person. i dont want my best friends to have other best friends. i also dont want to read my bfs poems about old gfs it pisses me off and makes me feel like complete s**t. i mean he wrote stuff for them but not me? he wrote all this crap that he says to me. i knew hes going to fade away just like all the rest. they all leave. the ones i like (i cant even say love anymore its such a stupid lie) i either treat like s**t or they treat me like s**t. im sick of school and being so behind. im sick of cleaning. im sick of listening to them yell like im not here. im sick of the sweet nothings he whispers in my ear. he doesnt mean it when he says he loves me how could he? he barely knows me. almost no one knows me. why bother telling anyone anything they wont understand. i ******** up so much what the hell is wrong with me
? why cant i just get over it? over everything? why cant i forget her last breath or the fact that i couldnt no wouldnt say i love you? why cant i just get where i need to be on school? why did everyone dying or geting sick leave me so messed up?

i cant love. im afraid to. the ones i love leave. the ones i lovve die. they ones i love forget me. why cant they love me back? why cant they listen to me cry? why the hell do i have to say goodbye to everyone and everything? God i still feel like youve left me to swim through this all alone. i know you havent but couldnt you give me a sign?

i dont even remember what made me feel this way. maybe it was the poems he wrote about his dad and past loves? maybe it was the piles of school to be done? maybe its how i cant express myself anymore. my drawings are crap. i cant write poems. all i can do is scream and wonder why i cant get over it all.

i wish i could be normal around him. i cant. i want so bad for him to like everything about me but im afraid he wont. what if he doesnt? then what do i do? go on like my heart isnt cut out again? like it has no scars?

jeez this is dumb. im not sure its helping at all. why cant i rhyme to let the pain outside?