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I have no idea how I feel, nor do I know where I stand on the subject, which explains how I don't know how to feel. To enjoy myself, I forget and disregard the principals I've been taught all my life, and I don't feel bad about it, which scares me in a way. I don't Fell anything about it all, but I know I should. I should be crying, I should hate myself, I should turn back. Then again, I think it is too late for that now. I've dove too deeply in. There was a time when every day I was sick with myself, never the less, I dove more and more into it. Why? I don't know. Boredom, interest in it all, because I wasn't allowed, because I liked it. Liking seems to be the only true feeling I had toward any of this. Perhaps it hasn't hit me yet. Perhaps I'll be caught red handed, and my heart will race. My skin will begin to crawl and sting. I'll want to get out, but wont be able to. When they've trapped me like a rat in a corner, they'll stick me with all their eyes, and I'll feel it all hit my heart. My chest will cave in, and in my mind, the sky will begin to fall. Having trouble breathing, it will all seem like it's lasting forever, and I would give anything for it to stop. What should I do? Deny it all? Every convincing word, every piece of evidence? How can I? I will have to eventually through in the towel, and give in. Admit. Then...they will ask me to change, to stop what I was doing which they say is wrong, and unacceptable. And I will give in, and say "Of course!" without question, just to make it all end. Because I'm a coward. But those thoughts will always be there, and I will want to go back.

Maybe I should feel something...frightened.