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Why I bother doing anything, really.

I often think, "gee, I wonder what it'd be like to be one of those drug addicts that just goes around, is always high, etc.", 'cuz you know what, they aren't honestly happy, but I'm sure their brains are so ******** up they don't know it anyways.

One of the main, gigantic reasons why I'd never do drugs is because of Neena. More or less, she "lives" in my brain; drugs would be like throwing a grenade in her house and seeing if she's okay. Any drugs at all, really.. and that's why she's so opposed to me doing them. A lot of my negative feelings about it come from her -- I'm a naturally curious person, so I occassionally think about it. I always banish the thought, though.. but that's why I don't want my friends to do it, I found out. "If they do, they'll make it accessible to you, and so you may, therefore I don't want your close friends, or lovers especially to use substances."

Especially if I had a girlfriend, girl who I actually fell hard for, that was heavy into drugs. I'd probably end up doing them too, just so I could stay with her.. which yeah.. would ******** everything up.

When I used to drink, it really hurt Neena. Pissed her off, because 1) she'd have to make sure I didn't DIE, and 2) it was damn near impossible to control my physical actions. The one new years night, where I should've died from alcohol poisoning, she said that her power went completely out of control, and that things were altered; that for that night, I literally was invincible. I got sick as hell, but in all honesty -- even consulting a doctor, I SHOULD have died. I don't even have any kidney/liver damage.

I'm emotionless right now, mixed my emotions with music so that I could vent.. let the music sweep me away, the hard beats of techno were like the drummer boy for my emotions, marching them out into the field..

I've been getting too ahead of myself, with all this romance business. I keep letting my stupid fantasies get the best of me.. I really need to learn to control them. I keep thinking about me and Chloe, being together forever, being happy with her.. but as much as I want it, as right as it all feels, I can't get my hopes up for it..

Actually, I feel pretty pathetic because of how happy I was when she told me she loved me. I really did act like a little kid.. I mean hey, happy is happy, right? but meh.. looking back on it, I feel so stupid. What a stupid kid, I think. but I think that every time I look back on my past. Even the most recent events, I think about how young I was then... even if it was only yesterday.

I told myself a while back that I'd stay out of the "river of love", that I'd sit on the sidelines and watch.. and now I feel like the parent, who came to check on the child, to find "myself" with my pants rolled up to my knees, standing in that river again... playing, splashing, trying to catch the "fish"..

Scolded "myself", took "me" by the ear, and pulled "myself" out of the river again. Sat back down on the beach.. I won't let this slip up happen again.