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STUPIDSTUPIDSTUPIDSTUPIDSTUPIDSTUPIDSTUPIDSTUPID

ughhhhhhhhhhhhhh -bashes face against wall-

I can't believe all the stupid s**t I wrote last night. I'm still kind of tired, but I don't remember most of last night. I just know I was lonely when I went in to work, and I was already really tired by 8pm, then by like, 3 I was falling asleep at the counter, I was sitting in the back sleeping hxc, and blah... I don't even remember writing these journals, I don't remember typing them up, I just remember coming home, frost being worried, and talking to him about rose.

UGH, I knew I should've called in sick last night, but I can't lose any more hours.. = =;; ehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh I'M SO STUPID
UGH

ok, I was upset yesterday, but not with Chloe. It's not her fault, i don't blame her for ANYTHING, I have issues I'm working through, I know this, so why the ******** I made it seem like it was her fault, I don't know.

I'm so happy I have Neena, she told me some of the things I was talking to her about last night, but she basically veto'd me. Told me, she's not going to let me ruin my life, anything I try to do that's completely idiotic, she's going to stop me from completely. Like leaving chloe -- she doesn't want me to leave Chloe, chloe is good for me, so it ain't gonna happen unless -she- wants it to happen.

I'm thankful for her, really, I am.

I feel so STUPID!!! I can't believe all this s**t I wrote, ugh! WHAT THE ********!! I feel like I was possessed... ADLK;FJ

I've marked them as private, but I'm leaving them there. Why? I'm leaving them for myself, as a "scarlet letter" of sorts. A reminder to my stupidity, so that maybe in the future, maybe I'll stop myself, no matter how tired I am. I want to cry. Chloe was so hurt.. ******** WHY DO I HURT THE PEOPLE I CARE ABOUT?

WHY CAN'T I LEAVE WELL ENOUGH ALONE?!

why the ********, why why whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy ughhhhhhhhh

= =;; SERIOUSLY, okay, I mean, some of the things I would agree with, if i was lonely. I can see where those came from -- the pet thing. BUT. When I'm not lonely? No. Those are just, "lonely man dark thoughts that people get when they're lonely and emo." But the rest? WHAT THE ******** WHERE DID IT COME FROM?

Seriously, how the ******** would LEAVING my love make me less lonely? God I'm ******** RETARDED. I hate myself, hate hate HATTTEEEEEE.. = =;;

Seriously, how the hell am I so goddamn retarded. Always 1 step forward, 2 steps back with me. = =;;

-bashes face against wall-

ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i'm so mad at myself, im just ugh