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I did too much damn thinking last night..

I think when I get tired, I tap into some alternate personality I have locked away, and the tireder I get, the more I access that personality.. but it's fading, very quickly.. it's dying out, like a leak in air tank..

When I'm accessing that personality, I think of things I'd never do in reality.. things I never want to do.. drugs, sex.. murder, thievery.. but as I think these things, in my "wrong" personality, my "right" personality kicks in.. it tells me exactly why I won't ever do those things.

It's not that I'm going to, but it's just that the "wrong" personality thinks these negative thoughts.. but the "right" personality takes those thoughts, and beats them to death with my morals, my logic, and my love.

I have a curiosity about drugs, which only comes about when I'm nearing my 3-4th day of total exhaustion. I think about trying EVERYTHING (lol, ******** that) but my logic starts to kick in.. "Chloe couldn't live with you if you did. She needs you. It's not you anyways. It's not worth it. You'd only be miserable. It's nothing great. Think about the time you used to drink? Only stupider. If you felt anything, you'd know it was fake and you'd probably feel nasty about it. It's stupid. Everyone, even people who currently do it tell you so. They tell you that your natural high is better than anything they could ever do. They envy you. Don't give up the only thing they envy."

Sex, it happened a lot when I was in a blah state with Chloe, and when we broke up, but then my love kicked in~ "You don't love any of these girls, you know who you want to be with. Don't give in, you'll never forgive yourself. You'll see yourself as tainted, she'll never forgive you. Don't taint yourself. It'll feel nasty too. You'll regret it. It's a stupid idea, only do it if you love them. But you only love one person, remember? It's not worth it."

etc.etc.etc.

I'm maturing, facing my demons and slaying them.. it's just taking time..

Patience, the one thing I need most is what I have so little of.. but I'm strong.. x.x