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Ready for another rant about what's wrong with me?? Well a recent discovery of mine is that I have rejection issues; these are probably caused by the abandonment issues I was supposed to have because of my brother being favored by my grandparents and my parent's divorce, but because of my LD I get a special sort of emotional problems. sweatdrop I hate rejection, probably more than anything else except pure malice. Especially rejection from someone I love. Because of this I try not to be vulnerable to anyone except my mom and sister on occasion. I dare you to try to get me to admit you're my friend before you say it. I probably never would. It's interesting...I actually think I'm happy right now. Even through admitting this, even baring a little part of my soul so anyone can see, I'm still happy. As long as I don't see any scorn, I don't care. The minute someone tells me I'm pathetic though, I'll shrivel until I can put it out of my head or find a good reason why that person has no idea what they're talking about. Maybe in Christ I shouldn't be like that, but I'm sensitive. I have no idea how to show it, but I care when I see people hurting. I didn't used to care so much, but I do now. Even back when I mostly cared about fictional characters, I still empathized so much I couldn't bare to watch anything happen to a character I liked without it being something that I wouldn't care if it happened to me. Especially their being rejected by their friends was painful, especially if they deserved it. I think I'm scared to have friends because of that, so even if I sympathize with people, I still don't know how to. If I say I care, won't think there's something wrong with the way I say it? What if they don't believe me or don't want to hear it? Some people would rather suffer alone, right? I did. For years I wanted to go through my own problems alone, so I guess I think other people prefer that way. I think most people would rather have anyone's help but mine. I wish I could convince myself I was wrong about that, but I still think not expecting too much of people is best. Starting with my dad, they've always disappointed me somehow. I'm so jaded, but strangely, it's a happier cynicism than before. The fantasy world I retreat is less used and far more colorful than when I was depressed; maybe I'm making progress? ^^

PS ~ Somehow I think this is the rational half to Overthinking.
PPS ~ Anyone noticed how most of my generation is jaded too? I think the next cultural movement is going to be one of hope, because people are going to get sick of postmodernism. At least; I hope so because the people in the past weren't corny; instead I think people have just become too bitter to enjoy certain things. Eh, I'm not explaining that right. Ah well, maybe I can do a better job when it's not five in the morning.