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I know she's ******** miserable with me. I don't know why she's still around. I guess it's for my sake, because I'm a mess, but she's ******** MISERABLE, and being with me isn't making anything better.

It used to. There was a time she'd tell me that I was the only thing keeping her sane. Now I'm driving her insane.

Common facet of people in my life; they can only tolerate me for so long. I help them get their life off the ******** up path it was on, then I need to leave, or else I'll just ******** torture them. It was a rule I used to abide by, but somewhere along the way I got tired of having no friends. Got tired of constant new faces, and when the chats died, I didn't want to let anyone go.

Bit me in the a**, though. It is now, for sure. I should've obeyed my rules, but c'est la vie. She helped me through a lot of hard times in my life, including helping me escape this shithole once.. but eh. The longer we spend time together, the more I can feel her resenting me.

There was a time where there were far more happy moments than fights. Now the fights are becoming increasingly frequent, and the stressed unhappy moments are staying longer, and longer. Soon it's all there will be, I guess.

She keeps telling me I need to get my life on track, I need to do something with my life, as if I'm a 19year old college burnout who can't see through the thick clouds of pot smoke to the train wreck his life is heading to become. I've known for a long, long time I need to get my life together.

I just don't know where to start. College is an obvious choice, right? Except the colleges that have everything I need, are far away. The colleges that I could take online, are either drastically out of my price range, or don't offer everything I need. I don't want to take 1 or 2 courses at some random website, only to find my credits don't transfer and I can't get a degree, so that the money I spent is wasted.

FAFSA (government money, they pay for your schooling) only pays for college if you take so many hours. I'd have to take atleast 6 classes minimum, iirc, to be able to even GET funding. 12 hours for full funding. The only college near me doesn't even offer that many computer courses. There's also the matter of transportation, and work.

These are all factors I've been carefully considering. I've been thinking about buying a new car, or a used one, at the very least, so I could practice in it and get my license, so I could go to school. I've been thinking about going to school for a long time, taking basic courses to just get my s**t together, but a friend who's pretty knowledgeable about this stuff said he took those same courses, and they didn't teach him s**t.

So I'm left back to thinking, and looking. Of course she doesn't know any of this, but why would I tell her? She doesn't ask. She gets pissed off at me and tells me she doesn't care, or tells me to just "do it". I can't just "do it", I have to make sure I can get ******** started to begin with! I have to be sure I have everything factored in. If I'm going to do something, I'm not going to leave anything to chance. There are a lot of assets of my life I need to get in order before I can do anything, and I'm slowly but surely working on them.

"But you're going to buy a PS4, and a new phone, and this, and that, and you wont' be able to afford a car! You should buy a car first!"

I need something to help me retain what little sanity I lay claim to. I don't drink, I don't do drugs, I just play videogames. They help me relax, and escape this shitty little town, however briefly. If I didn't have videogames, I'd probably be much further off the deep end than I currently am.

"That makes you weak! I THOUGHT YOU WERE STRONGER THAN THAT!"

Spoilers: I'm only human. Scientifically speaking, anyways. I can't bear everyone's ******** burden, and mine as well. I'm constantly worrying about her, making sure she's okay, because she's bipolar. I have to make sure I can be in a position to take care of her or help her if she suddenly does something drastic.

But, whatever.

No one asks my opinion on anything, and no one asks me the important questions. No one gives me time to THINK ABOUT THE IMPORTANT QUESTIONS AFTER THEY'VE ASKED THEM!

The car thing? I just came up with it 5 minutes ago. It's an obvious solution to many of my problem. Want to know how I came up with it? I was asked, and didn't answer immediately. I was given time to THINK, shocker! when I'm left alone to think, I can actually come up with solutions!

"You've had YEARS to think, you have no excuse!"

No, I've had years of ******** people barraging me at every turn, constantly reminding me I'm going to get older and older and die in a shitty little hole alone and I'll have no one to blame but myself. That's incredibly helpful to someone who's already under an immense amount of pressure, and is sure to give them breathing room! NOT.

Whatever. I know what I need to do to get my life on track. I'm just looking for the right ******** opportunity.

I wish she'd just ******** leave me, then. If she has no faith in me whatsoever, fine. No one ever has faith in me, and yet they rely on me so ******** heavily. It's ridiculous.

We lived in my dads shitty house while my cousin lived here, for 1 year. We came to texas completely broke, with half of our belongings, because we were ******** idiots.

I got a job here. I got CHLOE a job here. I got us our own room in my dads house. I built a swamp cooler, because I couldnt' afford an air conditioner. I finally bought an air conditioner, but living at dads house was just ******** unbearable with all the ******** people there.

I managed to convince my dad to let me live here. He's going to give me this house. I got us a ******** HOUSE, SOMETHING MOST PEOPLE DON'T EVEN CONSIDER UNTIL THEIR LATE 30'S! YET HERE I AM, FAILURE OF THE CENTURY, RIGHT?!

Whatever.

We've lived in this house for 1 year, we're going on our second year. We've lived in texas for 2 years, working on our 3rd year now. A year in a nice ******** house, being able to pay our bills? Sure, I'll GLADLY take that over being ******** starving and constantly stressed in kansas city. I don't ******** LIKE this town, and I certainly don't like the job, but it's SURVIVING. I'm just happy to be able to SURVIVE for a little ******** while.

I'm finally getting my feet back on the ground, I'm finally able to see what I need to do, because I'm not constantly ******** stressed worried about STARVING TO DEATH, OR BEING KICKED OUT BECAUSE CHLOE IS BIPOLAR AND MATT IS A ******** PISSANT WHO IRRITATES, AND TRIED TO KILL HIM. ******** threatened to kick Chloe out so many times because of matt and alexa, and I'd obviously leave with her, because I'm not a jackass. I know it's not her fault, and we got out of that ******** house. ******** that ******** house, ******** my ******** siblings. ******** my dad, even.

I know he's just thinking about what's best for Alexa, and you know what? He was right, we SHOULDN'T have been living there because chloe is bipolar as ********.

He wouldn't have kicked us out, anyways. He'd ******** get pissy, throw a tantrum, yell, and then we'd be fine after 2-3 days. That's just how dad works. Whatever, I solved that problem. We're on our own again.

I don't need ******** constant reminders of my age. I know how ******** old I am.

Do I constantly compare my age and success to others in the gaming industry around me? Yes, I ******** do.

WANNA KNOW SOMETHING CRAZY? A LOT OF GAMES JOURNALIST DON'T ACTUALLY HAVE ******** DEGREES IN JOURNALISM.

MOST OF THEM JUST STARTED WRITING ABOUT GAMES ON A BLOG.

But what the ******** ever.

I was planning on a podcast, once I could get s**t stable. I was finally getting the house somewhere decent, I was finally getting everything in ******** order, getting it set up nice, and I could set it up so we could start recording podcasts here without barrys' family and constant interruptions. I was going to make this house ******** LIVEABLE, at the very least. It would atleast be our sanctuary in this shitty ******** town, but that's not good enough.

I know she wants to tear this ******** house down or sell it. That's fine, thats her perogative. I don't, however, because this house has been in our family for a long, long long long long ******** time.

If i became a millionaire? Sure. If I could afford to tear the house down and rebuild it to something new? I would, no problem. But just selling it our tearing it down as-is, not gonna happen. It's a ******** roof and 4 walls, and that's more than most people have.

It's not perfect, but it's ******** something. WE don't have to pay ******** rent on it, and we don't have to ******** worry about the ******** people at the apartment place kicking us out for some bullshit ******** reason.

I don't know, I'm ******** tired of this constant ******** fighting. Our relationship worked so ******** well for so long because there was more love and affection than there was fighting.

Now it feels like there's more fighting and anger and hostility than anything else. I just don't ******** know.