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I'm not the person you think you know.
This is pretty much true, for the most part. I am not really "me" online. I'm a completely different person in the real world. I'm not the happy, perverted person I appear to be online...I'm more dark and depressed than anything else.
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I put on a facade every time I come online. No one online knows the real me. Hell, I make myself annoying and stupid to make it where people will be driven away from me. I am tired of people getting close to me. This is because when they do get close to me, they leave me all alone. I'm tired of the real me getting hurt. That's why I created an alternate me...the one everyone knows and supposedly "loves" online. Many have fallen for it...others, well, haven't. Some can see right through it and know that I'm acting. Most automatically assume that is how I really am.
The only people that know more of how I really am are the people I've grown extremely close to...Zira, Shade, Reap, Ani, Za, Cap'n...They're the only people that know who I truly am, and accept me for me. I only tend to put on the "false face" for those who hit on me, or, in some cases, date me.
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The last person to know who I truly was left me for someone better. That's why I got tired of showing my true self to others...it just hurt knowing that others would find better.
This is why I put on the false face when I'm with certain people...hell, it's not just limited to those who try to date me. It also applies towards those people I just don't know well enough to let them know who I really am. Sean was the only person to know who I truly was. When he discovered how I was, he left me...for someone who would be a better person than I could ever be. To be quite blunt and honest, I don't blame him.
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I've successfully driven away the people that I knew would hurt me if I got too close to them...perhaps that means it is working. Perhaps not.
Ben...Dan....they were driven away. This was probably for the better. They both hurt me in so many ways while I was really me, that I put up my pseudo-self, and they left me alone. Though one of my biggest fears is being alone, I do know that it is inevitable for me...I'll always be alone, no matter who I know or what I do.
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Anyway, if you want to know the real me, comment. I might make up my mind and be more like the person I really am. Perhaps one of these days I can shed my fear of rejection and loneliness and finally be my true self. Until the pain goes away, I shall continue to don that online visage that you all know.
I might let my true self be known, even if you don't comment. It all hinges on if I feel safe around you...if I know you won't hurt me, then I'll be myself. If I sense that you will backstab or do something much worse, then prepare to meet my alternate self.
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I just thought I should come clean and be honest with those who deserve to know...Hopefully those I have befriended will understand and will continue to be friends with me even after I shed my skin. If not, I'll understand why they want to discontinue associating with me.
I was feeling extreme guilt for lying to everyone...though I do have my reasons for doing so. It isn't right that I lied, and I do apologize. Hopefully, I'll overcome my fears and be able to be myself, online and offline.
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