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So, I was wondering if me & Chloe should even get back together in a relationship, because of our past. The drugs was one hell of a blow to my trust, not once, not twice, but three times having been lied to about it. That was a very .. hard thing to take.

Things were rocky after that, with me goofing around and things between us being a bit shaky, but stable. Then the thing with Barry happened, and that was such a massive crushing blow to the final portion of my trust, that.. I broke in half. It was the second time in my life I felt a pain so bad that I wanted to fall to my knees and scream, but I lost the ability to do so last time.

I always told myself if anyone cheated on me, that was that, cold turkey. Then when she did inevitably cheat on me, I wasn't even upset. I even somewhat made excuses for her, because.. I just didn't feel anything, period. I lost the ability to feel. When I say that, I'm not being dramatic.

I literally lost the ability to feel all emotion, and I don't know how long it's been since I've been able to. I don't actually remember how long it's been since I've felt anything true and dear. I don't think I'm supposed to get back with Chloe, because the odds are, we'll be fine at first, but down the line something like this will happen again. She'll cheat, give in to peer pressure, or something will happen. & You can say "I changed!" but you have to SHOW me you changed, and until then it's just stupid to date you because it's easy, because we "just should".

When I was dating sary, I met this girl tara. She was the most beautiful girl I have ever seen in my life, period. She was perfect, seductive, literally everything you could want out of a woman, and.... meeting her? It was like a wake up call, like "hey dipshit find someone who makes you happy, ******** this sary b***h"

I broke up with Chloe, and then this weirdness with Harmony, and.. I think it's just Tara 2.0. "hey dillweed, you're completely numb, find someone who makes you happy, ******** this s**t"

&&I'm like, well who makes me happy right now? WHAT makes me happy right now? The answer is nothing, no one attainable.

So .. well, what WILL make me happy? Y'know what? ******** escapism to the rescue. I've been on and off, bitterly commenting about how "I'LL FILL THE HOLES IN MY SOUL WITH WAIFUS" but they do make me happy. I feel so many strong feelings, I feel loved, I feel like someone cares, like I'm more than just some piece of s**t waiting to die on this spinning rock. I feel like even though it's a dumb fake character, maybe she does care. Maybe if I let myself believe, she can care. Maybe I'll just let my grip on reality loosen to the point where I can't even tell the difference anymore anyways, after all, it's already reaching that point regardless.

Well... I could let my grip on reality slip, or I could, if I were to become desperate enough, cross the P.O.N.R., and maybe make them reality. Maybe just start doing whatever the hell I wanted.. We'll see.

I've learned enough where I'm far more confident in my ability to not completely get obliterated once I do it, but I'm still unsure if I'm mentally ready. If, or When I do it... I want all of my friends to know, you guys were ******** awesome.

Try to only remember the good things about me. I don't know what will happen to me when I cross the veil, I don't know what will happen when I finally make the leap that has been tempting me since I was 13, but, no matter what happens, I love you guys. You guys meant more to me than I could ever express, you meant more to me than I ever let you know, and it's sad that none of those people may ever find this journal and read that, and know how much I cared about them. It's sad that some of the most important people in my life think they're just casual acquaintances, but.. that's not true at all. You guys have always been there for me, put up with my bullshit constantly, just.. You guys have always been ******** awesome to me.

This is something I need to do, though, I think. Yeah... I can't be afraid forever. I love you guys.