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I got ignored, again. I finally realized I was very low priority in her life, and I felt like I swallowed something thick, and hard (queue d**k joke).

I realized being nice just wasn't cutting it, no one likes me and no one cares about me even though I'm nice. I realized I'm going to have to have a massive personality shift away from happy cheery me, away from the me people know in private, and seal that me away. True me is now locked deep deep inside, and I'll let that me out along with dumb cutesy me when I find the right person. Until then I'm just a cold old man. I just don't care anymore.

It's a net positive, I'm not disappointed or lonely, anymore. I'm not .. anything. Maybe I gave up my soul. Maybe I swallowed my emotions. I'm not sure what I did, but losing my best friend was hard. I guess this is how she felt during the Harmony thing.

Hell, maybe this is how I felt during the drug thing, because she used to hardly be online back then too. Always told me "I'm busy around this time of year" and genuinely just brush me off.

Now I feel nothing. It's good. I'm not her boyfriend, I barely register as a friend. I'm a roommate and co-worker. She does huge favors for me and for that I will owe her dearly.

I'm just glad I don't hurt anymore. She got embarassed as we left the car this morning, because she grabbed her lipstick. "Don't judge me", like.. why would I judge you? Why would I care? Lipstick isn't for me. You don't even recognize me as human, I am an object in your living space.

It's how I'm acting now too. I'm just an object for consumer consumption. I put on the work persona at work, and then I unzip this digusting skin costume when I get home. Disappointment doesn't even register with me anymore. Oh no, no switch. I don't even care, it's another in the long line of disappointments in my life, myself included.

I hope I get enough reason to kill myself soon.