View User's Journal

How long has it been since I last wrote a detailed journal entry filled with my deep thoughts? I confess I am a bit lazy to look back unlike in the retro-Gaia days where I would be active in everything. Yet, I'm not lazy to write up this entry. I could have written it in another journal elsewhere offsite but I choose this Gaia Journal because Gaia Online held a special place in my heart, despite my growing inactiveness. It's been over 12 years since I joined Gaia Online and I will be entering my 13th Gaiaversary this September. Looking back in retrospect, I have been through a lot in this site as every other old Gaian too would have been through.

As far as I can see, I have enjoyed like 8 years of peace and fun in Gaia Online. Then in my 9th year, just as I returned from hiatus upon completing my college degrees, things started going sour for the first time for me. It was around the time the previous management, nicknamed "Goldemort" by the Gaia community due to censorship, was running the site and they prioritized money-making over everything else that ruined many of Gaia’s good things. Not only that but I also unexpectedly experienced my very first betrayal from a "good" friend I had once known, never having been given any reasons to why she acted like that. Maybe it was a simple misunderstanding or something careless in my part or maybe because of growing distrust caused by the management’s careless actions that were destroying Gaia, but I do not know. I also had my first annoying stalker in the Gaia forums (as opposed to numerous stalkers I had in several MMORPGs) and a few other stressful things that occurred for the next few years up to this point. They gave me my first pains in this site that had so long given me happiness for years, yet I was able to hold and move on, thanks to the invaluable support from my darling and the new friends I made after my return to hiatus, and also to my strong, unyielding faith in God.

No matter how down I felt throughout my life, my will was never shattered. From time to time, I would adjust myself to be more presentable towards people and the community- both IRL and online, but my strong faith and my devotions that developed since being taught the Christianity at a young age, always remained intact. Over the years my faith developed, I grew to love God. I may not be able to see or hear Him, but the things happening around me and messages I occasionally received from family, friends and people, sometimes felt like signs from Him. It was like His guidance was being delivered to me and pressing me forward, to strive for good and great things, even if I had meager resources to accomplish it. He was there at times I faced trouble and always made things happen in life that gave me opportunities to overcome pressing problems. It's because of my strong faith that for the last five years (and still now), I had been volunteering at weekly soup kitchens hosted by the local churches. I helped feed and clothe numerous poor and homeless people who came to seek the church’s aid. Amidst that, I loved my job as a nurse, having received a promotion to Head Nurse at some point in my career. It was hard and stressful work but everything I did in managing my unit, administering medications, and healing those who suffered from terrible illnesses and medical conditions, it felt wonderful. It felt as if I was doing God's work all these years. And I felt sure God was happy, because every now and then, I received very nice things and happiness from people around me, all of which felt like they were His blessings and rewards for doing my duty and upholding my faith. Throughout my life, I taught my daughter, nieces and nephews the Holy Bible, reading together with them and answered the religious questions they sometimes asked me from time to time. I occasionally talked to my mother and to some other family members too for clarifications on some things I did not understand within the Holy Bible. I loved my family, and I could see how everyone's devotions has long kept us together for generations.

Despite my deeds and devotions, I cannot really say I was completely free of sins I might have committed during my life. I don’t think they were serious ones as I never, ever did things like cheating on my darling or indulging in unsavory things like drinking alcohol, smoking or using swear words. The only minor sins I think I might have committed was having displeased some people (intentionally or unintentionally), being occasionally rude, refusing to help people whom I had seen to misbehave and do bad/stupid things that were uncalled for, etc. Though I had my reasons but I'm not the best judge, as God has the ultimate judgment over all things. The best I could do was, apologize, ask for forgiveness and make amends where appropriate. While I did forgive people who gave me trouble, there were also lines I have drawn where crossing them means I would prefer to avoid them for probably the rest of my life.

I know people often felt stressed in Gaia and many other forum websites besides real life problems. Like, some people felt that they cannot be a good avatar artist as some were. Some even felt they lack the ability to make lots of gold/platinum to buy custom tickets as others were able to. Nevertheless, to me, I believe that God has made each person unique in his/her own way. Not everyone may be suited for a particular task they desired but they would likely to do well in something else. Like for example, I couldn't find the time to work as a moderator in this Gaia Online site, despite the numerous reports I have submitted on bots and people violating ToS. But instead, the work I had been doing as a Head Nurse, my efforts in raising and caring for my family, and the soup kitchen volunteering at my local church- they all were signs of God saying to me, "You were not meant to work in an online website, you were needed elsewhere, to help those in life who were very unfortunate and in need of assistance." If you feel bad on something you cannot do or unable to do because life's preventing you from it, don't feel discouraged. Think positive, find out what other things you are capable of doing- after all, God has made you to be unique in your own way, to do something that's worthwhile even if you don't see it. You just needed to find it out, searching life for answers.

Faith has always been my driving force in life. And it always will be, against many obstacles that life's cruel jaws continue to throw at me.

"For I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." (Jeremiah 29:11)

Welcome to Gaia! :: View User's Journal | Gaia Journals

More Information