[I'd like to make note that, all the events, or at least 90% of it, is real events of my life. I may change a thing a or two.. but oh well. Enjoy. :3 ]
[Note to self: Word Count so far= 2630 words.]
~~~~~Chapter 1- When Our Eyes Met Again.
"Ready for those a**-whoopings on Wednesday, Amber?"
"..Yeah, I guess."
"This is gonna be the last time you're gonna see him actually in school..."
"I know."
"Don't cry. None of us will cry. Just take our report cards and s**t, and bounce. You don't need to look 'em in the face, if you're not gonna say anything."
"...Yeah. Thanks Muffy, I'll talk to you tomorrow."
"Iight. Night."
Click.
Today. June 25th, 2006. 2 more days till' Judgement Day, a.k.a., I lose a chunk of my a** for failing the usual classes again.
I think back to the beginning of this year, starting with the day before the first day of school, September 8th, 2006. And I'm hoping this is the last time I think back...
Oh. Lemme introduce myself.
Gaianame, Amanikitty, like to be called Miss Amani or Amani. My real name is Amber Victoria Rutland, Aquarius born in January, 1990. Sophmore Art Major, or now turning Junior, in Fiorello H. LaGuardia High School of the Arts and Performing Arts in Midtown, Manhattan. Yes, it's the very school that made the movie 'Fame'.
The person I was just talkin' to, was my Best friend, my if-only-it-were-by-blood sister Wednesday Ann Moore, a.k.a. Muffy. Soon to be Junior Vocal Major with the hottest dance moves and a beautiful voice. I love her to death. We've been there together for the past two years since High school began for us, never in a fight, nor in an arguement, when all the other chicks in our clique have. The only girl in the world to tell me the truth when I need to hear it, to listen to me when I'm sad and crying, one of the only ones there when my heart was in pain throughout the year.
Being at a Specialized High School was tough. It had it's more-than-occasional chickenheads, hoes, wankstas, wiggas, etc. Not to mention, a bunch of Asians. Not to be stereotypical or anything, just stating that they're a LOT of Asians in my school. But moving on.
Girls in my school would do triflin' things. Go behind their 'friend's' back and flirt with their boyfriend, make out with them, and all those nasty unmentionables. There would even be a ring of 'girlfriends' who flirt and be up on boys that they ALL like, right in front of their faces. It's quite sad.
But moving on to my situation...
Just when the summer of 2005 had ended, my love life seemed to end too.. back then. I was the idiot, fall in love with a boy, have sex with him, and have my heart broken within a week later. I don't even wanna get back into that, for the sake of my sanity. But yet, I'm reminiscing right now.... bah. Whatever. The summer wasn't important.
So, it was right after Labor Day. People going shopping all over the city for clothes, school supplies, or just junk. Getting ready for school. But me, I wasn't ready. I already felt that I was gonna pass barely like last year. I went from being a straight-A student in Elementary, to what would seem close to a High-School dropout. Besides, how could I concentrate on school, when it feels like I had no soul in the first place? I know I wasn't gonna be able to concentrate. Plus, the only thing that was on my mind other than the heartbreak, was Gaiaonline. I was addicted to it, my dear Utopia.
The day before school, I dreamed of the summer. The happy times, the bad times... the times where I felt like hurting myself, yet I knew I couldn't do such things to myself. A hopeless romantic, I seemed to be, always looking for love, yet never getting what I want. How would I react to seeing all my buddies tomorrow? Countless hugs, welcome backs from the teachers, the school would seem to be in a cheery mood. But I wouldn't.
So on the first day of school we had to go to OP class, or Homeroom. My homeroom was A87, room 631. Luckily, Wednesday was on the other side of the building. My homeroom teacher, Ms Fallon, came in, took attendance, gave us the usual sheets, the Agenda and schedule for the week, metrocards, program change papers, and more. Blah blah blah. But I was happy though, I was with my friends Yaya, her cousin Julissa, and my white dude Adrian. If you haven't noticed yet, I'm mixed.
Yaritzel a.k.a Yaya was an Art major like me, like all the other students in my OP class. She was a bit valley-girlish, and I believe she makes herself that way, since she can make the deepest poems. During Freshmen year we had some problems, because I heard she was talking about me behind my back. I wouldn't be surprised if she still was. Her problem is, is that she craves for attention, even after dropping her popular status to be some punk rock girl. Julissa, her cousin, was the complete opposite; she was laid-back, honest, and certainly not two-faced. She listens to rock too, but unlike Yaya she's open-minded about stuff, and very cultural like me. Adrian was this white kid I knew since last year, and he's pretty cool. We talk from time to time. We used to make jokes on our Global teacher Mr. Effler last year.
We looked at each other's schedule; nope, no classes together. When the bell rang, we rushed out of class. I was rushing my way to class, whichever class it was, and I was about to turn the corner when I saw him. My love, the one that makes my heart pain and yearn for so often. Horace. It wasn't even saw, I bumped into him. My body touching his. He looked at me, and smiled. "Hey what's up?" he said, giving me a quick hug before walking off to class. I was dazed.
I knew Horace the previous year too, we didn't talk much, but we saw eachother. Wednesday used to have a crush on him. Now, he was a Senior, Vocal major, his voice beautiful as ever, and it seems he had used some ProActive over the summer. His brown skin no darker than mines... his big soft-lookin' lips, so inviting, and his eyes... I can't even explain the way he used to look at me with those brown eyes. So pretty, I had to look away, I was actually afraid. The hug he gave me was so warm.. I felt so much of what I want, what I've yearned for since I started watching Disney movies as a kid, Love. That was one of my favorite things about him, his hugs, other than his voice and him talking to me, soothing me.
I thought this as I giggled inside a bit, just to find me standing in the same place, staring towards the direction he left in for a couple of seconds later. I got myself together, and headed off to class. That little moment, that could've lasted for only 30 minutes, my heart stopped. And so did my memories of the summer. Have I found my cure for my love-sickness? Or did another Love-bug just bite me on my a** again?
I met Wednesday by our would-be lockers at the end of the day, talking. It seemed that we had the same 10th period English 4 class, as well as some other class I can't think of at the moment.
"Did you see Horace, Muffy?" I asked, looking around to see everyone pass by.
"Oh yes. He is looking Good." she said, "I see he got some ProActive for that big-a** forehead of his, but that's okay. I USED PROACTIVE TOO!" she laughed. She is always the chick to make someone laugh. Her and her crazy a** family rubbed some of their s**t on me. But it's good s**t, not bad s**t.
"He is so cute..."
"Haven't he always been?" she said, and looked this boy. "Oooo Melvin lookin' pretty good today, too."
I turned, to see Melvin. He was Sexy, with a capital S, if not all letters capped. Better-looking that Horace, I have to admit, but I could never like him like that. He was just... slow. He may look fresh everyday of the year, but he can basically be in some type of special-ED for his slowness. I didn't know him like that at the time, until he added me to his friends on Sconex a few weeks later. He was one of Horace's friends. And when his friend was around, he would soon too come, which he did. I looked at him, my cheeks getting a bit hot, as he looked at me and I looked at him when me and Muffy left to go to her place in Taft Projects, in Harlem.
Taft Projects. My second home, where my life basically started. Before I stepped into that place, I never had any real good times, other than with my friends Kiki and NaShiva and our other friends back in middle school. Otherwise, I was lonely. We go up the elevator, to her apartment door, and when we entered we heard her mom say, "How was your first day of school back?" And when she saw me, she came and hugged me. I was part of their family, as they were part of mine. I've been over to her house so damn much, her dad always asked if I had gotten the keys to the apartment. I saw Michie, Muffy's sister, and Breyon, her nephew, and I got relaxed. But I could never get my mind off of Horace Michael the Third, ever since that day...
~~~~~~~Chapter 2: Haunted Mansions and Heated Moments
Later on in September, I could not help but look at him. He was so handsome, from those enchanting eyes to the warmth of his heart that I always felt.
...But I was too afraid.
If you in High School, or was in High School, you know how much drama there is during those four years. And one of those things is 'love'. 'Love' a.k.a. Plain girl falls in love with popular Senior= Suicide. Just like in the movies. And that feeling that you're never going to be good enough for him, because he has many more friends than you and his friends are a bunch of players and such...
I remember one of those days, it was me, Wednesday, and maybe Tasha (I'll tell you about her later.), walking down the hallway. Probably... the 6th floor? But anyways. All at once, Horace came from around the corner as we walked. Not only that, he tried to speak to me. Yes, I'm sounding like such a total loser.
He asked, "Hey... what was your name again?" Of course I didn't expect him to know my name like that. It was hillarious though, because the moment I opened my mouth, all your heard was "Uhhh..." I was too busy LOOKING at him, that I forgot my name. So my 'Uhhhh...' lasted for a few more seconds, until Muffy said,
"It's Amber."
That girl made me laugh inside. Her serious attitude made things seem so funny sometimes. Horace then pointed back at me, and said, "I'll keep that in mind", and disappeared behind the corner. Tasha was laughing at me, Wednesday was laughing too. And of course, I was laughing. The way I just forgot my name... it was hillarious.
Another time, he was speaking to his friends, when he turned away from their conversation as a passed by, and asked me, "When's your birthday?" Again, I almost had my moment where my mind went blank. But I answered, "January 29th... I'm an Aquarius." I probably paused between words because I was so darn nervous... but then he replied, "Really? I'm an Aquarius too," flashing that lovely smile at me. I couldn't help but blush, at least a little bit.
After that, we'd used to have conversations on AIM. Me with my usual sex-talk, which I talk about to EVERYBODY. My favorite pastime was soon to be my downfall. But of course, that's not what I'd always talk about. I'd joke, ask him questions, like 'What college you're going to?' and talk to him about Politics and Racial issues.
I showed him my poem that I wrote for the boy I was hurting over once, and he said it was really deep. I was happy. (To see the poem, go here.)
Another thing I asked him was his views on love... I had hoped that it would help me gain confidence to tell him how I really felt about him. Other than that, it was because I was still severly depressed over the last boy. During that half of the school year, I'd take myself to Barnes & Noble, at least once or twice a week, and read Chobits as much as I could. It ended making me cry, seeing that I felt like Chii... that I was looking for that special someone who would never do me wrong... and how much she hurt, even when she was just a machine. Falling in love with Hideki... and then finding Hideki falling in love with her! It was all too dramatic for me... to see that they've ended up in a happy ending, and as for me...
I remember one night I came home from reading Chobits, and talked to him once again on AIM:
Me: ..can i ask you a question?
Horace: yeah
Me: if someone wanted your heart... would you give it to them? because theirs has to much pain to bear?
Horace: maybe... but if they have that much pain that they need a new heart, they should be concerned with finding a real friend, cuz real friends work best with s**t like that...
Me: but... what if it doesnt deal with friends? what if it deals with finding the one that loves only you?
Horace: to find the one that truly loves only you, you need a sense of self, to know who you are. finding your true love completes you, but you need to know yourself first before someone can complete you...
Me: i dont know... if i know myself. i felt like i did, i know my emotions... but now that you say it...i'm not so sure anymore...
Horace: it's okay... it takes time to really no... thats why living and learning is so important
Me: thanks horace... you're so nice to me.... thats why i love your hugs lol
Horace: lol.... it's all good. you jus need to start goin to class on time...
Me: lol
Me: thats really why i havent been to class... cause this pain i feel in my heart. I can't concentrate that well anymore.
Horace: word...
Me: i felt so much stuff that i wouldn't ever want tasha or wednesday to feel.
Me: it just hurts, and i feel like i cant breathe
Horace: maybe you need a good cry. not a sad one, but a cleansing one... crying is a good way to let go of s**t...
Me: and then... when i talk to you or get a hug from you, its like a painkiller to me. I don't feel the pain until later on.
Horace: aahhhhh.......thats nice... i'm glad i can be some help...
Me: heehee give me more hugs and i'll feel even better
Horace: lol... i don't kno bout that shorty...
I know... I'm a giant ball of emotions. I cried when I was talking to him that day. But I was happy. Real happy. And basically since then, I tried my best to try and tell him how I feel... and it fails. Horribly.
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