|
Awesome Day
First of all I'd just like to say that today was just an uber fantastic day! Today we had 100 percent sunday at my church and although we didn't have 100 percent, we did have a whole lot more than we usually do. Our preacher displayed our building plans that have been worked on for over a year and it really excited me! With all the stuff we'll be adding over the next 20-25 years((as he put it))it looked like our property area increased by triple. There's just so much cool stuff we're going to have and it just made me wish that that sunday in the future was the sunday of now so I didn't have to wait. Also today, five people got saved and about five or six families joined our church, it was just so cool!!! Satan threw me into a doubter loop but ended up getting double the crap back.
And now here's a little thing I wrote down in my notebook after I pulled out of my doubter loop. I find writing down my really big problems like this helps me sort it out and just give it all to God, which at times can make it a lot more understandablel for me
Ok here it is...
The curse of a perfectionist...
is that I believe I must be perfect in everything I do, even in my relationship with God. If it's not perfect then I feel I've failed miserably and that it means I'm lost, destined for hell. Then afterward when I manage to feel better about myself, I feel utterly stupid for even bringing it up to so many others. The pride and the stubborn individuality of my personality tells me I don't need anything other than myself to get the job done and calling on other people is bothersome and later makes them hate me. But there are times when I, definately I, must push aside my isolating barrier and pull in those who love me so deeply and allow them to work in my life the way God meant for them to.
Satan likes to toy with our heads and our hearts, especially in situations like today when we take a step closer to God. Satan likes to make us doubt, he enjoys watching our simple confusion and the tears of uncertainty we cry. It makes us ((or at least me...especially me)) wish we ((I)) had a 2 ton baseball bat to smash his head in with.
God surely made me as a person who likes to take out her anger and frustration physically. I have little patience which ofter leaves me demanding what God wants of me right here and right now, and if I won't do it then to have him beat it out of me. There are so many times I'd wish God would drop the letting me choose to do what he says part and force me o do what he wants. It's almost like torture, but it's just another lesson needing to be learned.
I get so preoccupied with playing on the safe side of Christianity that when the real stuff hits me, I can't handle it well and I starte beating myself up. But also in reality I realize I have faithful people behind me who are willing to help.
That's is...I try to play the big helper/protecter role so many times that I forget sometimes it's me who needs help and protection...
|
