So, you know that guy I'm usually talking about at least once in every post? Spartan11169? Yeah...we were going out.... but...I broke it off today. I was walking home from church and called him, god why do I feel so bad!? I mean come on he had wandering hands! I'm praying he doesn't end up jumping off something... he probably thinks he's got it bad... he didn't just break up with his first boyfriend...er...girlfriend.
He's gone out with two other girls before me, it’s shouldn’t have hit him that hard, right? I just hope he's still my friend. Maybe he'll want to try again in a couple years... maybe not... he probably wants nothing to do with me ever again. He hates me right now I just know it. I felt so low and disgusting after I got off the phone with him, since our friend Tom lives close to my church I stopped off at his house. I told him that I had broken it off and he said, "Good, Tyson's a loser...but you already know that." I do know it... but I still feel as bad as ever.
I mean it wasn’t a bad relationship... but I still think he felt he had to ask me out, after I kissed him on the cheek at the valentines dance... it wasn't even a year ago! FIVE MONTHS! Five...great.... now I'm really feeling it.... even if I wanted to call him and apologize I know he’d probably hang up. He sounded genuinely crushed and it breaks my heart! I keep running through the conversation over and over, but I still can’t change it. Everyone says that I shouldn’t have been with him in the first place, whether it was the school whore (saying that he was weird), my friends (saying he was a jerk, or I should be with this other guy) or kids from my ward (saying that I shouldn’t be dating until I’m 16). I didn’t care.
I mean he pissed me off a lot of the time, like when I was practicing for an upcoming concert he said, “You’re a good singer but I’ve heard better.” I would have dumped him right then and there, or when he kept making fun of a part, that I had to sing! Then he heard one of the girls from my ward practicing her solo song... he said she was amazing... yeah, crush my already wavering self esteem. Oh, that same girl who Tyson said was amazing kept making fun of me. She said that I wouldn’t get a good part in Les Miserables because I’m a sophomore, but because she was already in it at a different place so “she won”. Yeah, she’s younger than me... I don’t have to put up with that crap. Oh and even if he doesn’t remember this I do, he said that the only reason I got into chamber choir second semester was because the teacher 'liked' me... he said it to be disgusting, but now that I think about it... that kinda hurt.
I'm probably gonna...no, I am regretting this. I dumped him and he probably hates me now, but I'm gonna let it go. Tyson, I love you. Always have, always will. It just wasn't a good time... it'll probably never be a good time... but it was fun while it lasted. Hope we can still be friends and please don't go hurting yourself because of me.
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I think this calls for my deep comments from a fanfic I wrote last year.
Old memories hurt worse than new ones.
It's okay when your heart breaks once,
cause the first time it can heal.
But the second time the heart doesn't just break it shatters,
it takes a long time to put back together.
Third time's the charm you are numb to the pain,
you just don't realize that your heart has broken twice.
This time it doesn't heal,
eventually you lose what you had left.
No emotion, no Feeling ...nothing,
Stare at the blank wall ahead of you,
your heart is broken beyond repair.
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Not a second is gonna pass where I'll stop kicking myself about this.
