I hate saying goodbye. Honestly, goodbye is the hardest word to say for me, next to 'I love you'. All the memories attached to a goodbye and all of the ones that leave when you say the word...Its hard to let them go. Like with Brian. God, I do miss him. Even when things were sad, I always knew I had him. Even when he went away, he'd always comes back to me. Always smile and say how much he missed me and stroke my hair and look into my eyes like he'd never seen them before. I miss that more than anything, really. Not Brian perhaps, but just that..that feeling of being truly, deeply loved. The look that someone who loves you in their heart of unchanging hearts is indescribable, yet the most simple look in the entire world. I doubt you've noticed it if I've given it to you. Its subtle. There is no smile, no frown. No other implication of emotion, but a look in the eyes. Its beautiful to see that look from someone else. To feel that persons hand in yours, like it had always belonged there, but at the same time is completely new.
I think something is changing now. I'm not the person I used to be. Before it was just..bottle everything up. Don't let even the slightest hint of whats happening inside to get out, because thats the moment when I seem to hurt the most. Its no good to trust people, at least, like I trusted him. Then you're betrayed and hurt and scarred for the rest of your life. I hate myself for letting him get that close. I hate myself for letting my head get so stupidly filled up with ideas like that. I hate how he made me believe in something like that. I was tricked. He put rose colored glasses on me when I was sleeping and made me think life was wonderful, and that it really WAS going to be okay. That he loved me, and all of the things that complicated our relationship were temporary.
He would find a way to me, he promised.
I'm so sick of promises. So utterly sick of that pain in the bottom of my stomach when I know I've been lied to. Especially by someone who I trusted so implicitly. Its useless...Its so useless. I tried to trust you too, you know. I kept everything away for so long, I didn't even realize that you were getting in. All these years, and I just thought it was a crush. I guess it is, in a way. I'm certainly crushed.
Why does everything have to be so hopeless..? God...I'd give anything to feel that away again. To say it, to hear it, and to know deep down that you meant it just as much as I did. That you always have, just like me.
I'd give anything...
![.-=[P u r p l e]=-.](https://a1cdn.gaiaonline.com/dress-up/avatar/ava/8d/ac/7dbd592e7ac8d.png?t=1190874258_5.00_00 ".-=[P u r p l e]=-.")
