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	dammit...
	dammit...


why does this keep happening? I'm losing them... Drifting.... why.... I just.... Dont want to see... Another person who will just leave me.... Because I'm not who they want me to be.... I'll pretend to smile just for them... I'll smile big enough the tears wont show... Even though.... My body will shake.... I don't know what's wrong with me... Why I'm just not... Why I cant... Why can't I be more interesting... Much more beautiful.... Talented.... Dammit, why even bother... I can't compare... I'm no more than a shadow... A silhoutte... Nothing to make a person... I just... Rely too much on others I guess... But what am I supposed to do?! I'm a fudgin kid... no more than that... I'll always be a child... Just so young... So young that I can't do anything... But not young enough to be ignorant of everything around me... Ignorant of that want of a purpose... Ignorant of wanting to create change.... Ignorant of wanting companionship.... Oh the days of thinking boys were icky ended the first day of kindergarten... Heh, I still remember him... He was just so adorable... I.... Was an ugly little thing... It's sort of sad to look to the past.... Look at my wasted years of liking people... But not being liked back.... At all... I wasn't pretty like my friends... I wasn't interesting.... Wow, the pattern repeats itself... I was fat... Obnoxious... everyone around me was adorable... Like one of those hairless cats... Only certain people would like me... It's funny... I thought when I was in kindergarten my bestest friend thought I was cool too.... She really didn't like me all that much until a few years later.... Hell, she avoided me during recess.... When people would ask her... "Who's that?" She'd lie and say... "I don't know..." I stuck with her.... I was such a fool... I had no where else to turn... She at least let me talk to her on the bus... I remember one day our bus driver gave us suckers.... KZ got a green one and I got a yellow one... That bus driver was so awesome... I was made fun of on that bus... The teenagers would ask me to say 'spaghetti'.... and being the perfect person I was I slurred it horribly... "Sagety" Hell... I didn't even say four right.... "shoy shoy..." I had to go to 2-3 speech therapy sessions... They said I spoke just fine... Just had an accent... Go figure... There was this girl too... She was 6.... Automatically cool... She hated me... I didn't care for her much either... I think she used to make fun of me... She told me how to spell farm.... I was ignorant and kept it as furm.... She kept insisting... I got upset... And on the bus there was this one girl.... She was mean... She used to pull my hair and do all this mean stuff to me and KZ. And there was this kid named Tommy, He told KZ and I to shut up all the time... He was a 5th grader... a punk 5th grader 8D First grade... It was rather funny... I remember I walked up to a group of four girls playing... They were pretending to be eagles... So I asked if I could play... "You can be a dead eagle!" I being so stupid agreed... They ran off.... end of recess.... Next day... Horses... I asked why they just left me there before... They ran off again... am I really that unlikeable.... I also remember crying over not knowing a math problem.... Everyone around was done... No one could go out for extra recess if someone wasn't finished... It was too difficult to do on my hands... And I wasn't smart enough to realize to just leave it blank... Teacher just came over and filled it in for me... I felt so bad... I took so long... There was also this girl... Very pretty and smart... I remember her in the hallway with her inhaler... At the time I didn't know what it was.... I asked... She got upset and ran off... When I asked my best friend on the bus... She told me that I told that girl.... " I'm better than you since I have earrings!" I didn't remember ever telling her that, nor do I now... One day during lunch... Well... We had this 3 light system... Green light meant you could talk loud... Yellow meant you could whisper... red meant you shut your mouth kids... it was Yellow light... and we were getting just about to the time of green light... A teacher... She was really mean... turned the red light on... Screamed "SHUT THE ****** UP!" All of us were scared.... When I was in second grade.... There were new girls that got on the bus.... I thought they thought I was as cool as I saw them... Unfortunately that wasn't the case... ah god... I remember this one girl... They'd fight over who she would sit with.... She was very pretty though... We'd play hand games and whatnot... This one girl would save things from her lunch... on the way home from school she'd share them with us... Our class had salamanders for class pets... Man... Those things were so cool... And I remember being close to this one girl... She claimed she was a princess... Hell she claimed that even in middle school... I gave her this ring... She said her dog choked on it and died... when I asked why she didn't wear it the next day... I used to play dodge ball during recess... I recall once I didn't get called out since... THIS WHITE bh CAN JUMP XD My sister's old teacher used to always call me her name... She never could remember mine... Third grade.... I remember... Someone told the kid I liked him that I did... On the way to lunch I remember crying... He said... "I'm embarrassed too" Of which I was never sure what that meant... But hell... I was still an ugly thing... I remember going on this feild trip to the zoo... none of us could see this one animal... So I was all like... "Man that's a very camouflaged animal!" My teacher said aloud "ooooo! Did everyone hear that? Tiffany used a vocab word. Ca moo flage" later on we were all running up a hill... I tripped and scraped my knee... I couldn't tie my shoes at the time... I still can't tie them any way someone showed me... I had to make up my own way... so that girl with the inhaler helped me with them... There also was this boy in a grade ahead of me... Name was Daniel... I from what I remember didn't have a crush on him... we'd play on the monkey bars together... He was an outcast... I always used to call him Daniel Boon... He got so ticked off... And on the last day of school... The fun day.... Everyone's favorite day from what I've heard years later.... Camp Skeeter... I got sick that day... I really really didn't want to miss it... but I just go too terribly sick... 4th grade Ah yes... I was such a goody two shoes... The teacher had a class thing... If you got 2 yellows (warnings) You were discoulafied for a reward at the end of the month... You got the warnings by either being disruptive... or not doing your homework... I made it every time... I was also big into pokemon... Bought my giant meowth... I remember talking to Daniel that year.... He said " 5th grade recess is different after this week" I was very upset... He was my buddy... One of the first males I ever really talked to... and I didn't see him for a long while after that week... So I took on four square and jump rope... Around that time I started to get taller... So when winter came about.... And since I also was still fat... It became hard to find snow pants... So I had to stand against the wall... It was like being punished... I hated teachers for not having indoor recess... When it was 25 or lesser in temperature... and being forced to stand against the wall.... Not really being allowed to move... Make heat... I remember I started to stop reading those stupid mystery stories... I turned to horror... I couldn't take another "BOXCAR CHILDREN LOLZ" book... On the bus our driver would play music on the RB station... All of the elementary kids would sing along... I dont remember if the highschoolers did though... 5th grade... damn... This one girl on my bus was such a b*h... She hated me so much... but I remember... One day I was singing to one of our spring program songs... She told everyone to STFU since she wanted to hear me sing... And I was also invited to ensemble... Now, you had to be decent at it to get in... So I was honored... And well... I got a special part... I carried the chair in... but then even that was taken away... Jello Challenged** · Mon Nov 27, 2006 @ 05:21am · 0 Comments


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