Things are slowly getting better now.
I've been really thinking a lot lately though. I think I like when I think like this more than anything. The past few days have been nice too. This weekend I was really calm during some points, and completely wired at other, and even at some I was extremely confused. This must be the aftermath of your life throwing a ton of things at you that you aren't really ready to handel. I'm sure it is.
It began to snow last night, or more-so this morning. Two of my friends spent the night, and there were complications where one of them had to come back later in the night. She didn't get here until six, so I stayed up to wait for her so she wouldn't be locked out. My mom got up for work and told Sarah and I that it was snowing. We said we'd look later. Then Sarah fell asleep and I finished what I was writing, so I went upstairs and outside.
I sat on our front porch watching those beautiful white frozen-raindrops fall onto our front lawn. Everything was already covered and my arms were going numb from my fingertips up. My long-sleeved shirt was comfortable, so I didn't care. It was so calming, so paceful. It makes me really miss the New York Winters. It makes me miss when I wasn't so stressed and such a spazz. It makes me miss being so much smaller, where the problems and things to deal with were just as small.
Everything just makes me feel so rushed right now. Even small things, small words, just things. It makes me feel rushed and at that, I start to fall apart again. I'm doing better of course, but I'm still not ready to take on much. My heart still catches fire and falls into my stomach, and I still get tears in my eyes sometimes when I think about it. It's almost been two-weeks. It will be Tuesday, and tomorrow is the fifth. I think this week might make me a little sadder than I was this weekend. It might break away small fragments of the wall that I've built back up. I'm not exactly the same anymore, truthfully. I'm not as oblvious to when I get screamed out, or somebody says something to me. Like everything else, it makes me feel horrible a lot more than it could before. In some ways it makes me feel more human, which of course sound so weird. It's just that, before I was almost always happy. Even if I'd get down or mad, I'd get right back up and be happy again. Now I take a lot longer to calm down or cheer back up. It's like instead of having just one of my ribs broken, somebody broke my entire rib cage.
I think about something else now, how much I'm going to grow to dislike the number five. There's been more than one occurence in my life where the number five caused me to be extremely sad. I guess it's just not my number.
I think I'd give up completely if it weren't for my friends. I'm so tired physically right now. And mentally, I'm still recovering from everything. I suck at mental stability. I suck at life pretty much right now. To look on the bright side though, I'm still pretty cool, I guess. Haha. No, I'm kidding. I just needed some lauging somewhere, or this would be rather depressing.
Zombie Doll` · Mon Feb 05, 2007 @ 04:07am · 1 Comments |