The one person I thought I could trust. The one who I thought would never treat me like Im worthless. And he goes around and just... I can't believe he'd be such a jerk. Nothing is ever his fault is it? It's always me. I'm the one who's being difficult. I'm the one who can't control themself.
I can never talk to him. He hates talking. I'll be panicking and crying my eyes out and he still won't talk to me. Tell me what's wrong. Tell me what's bothering him. He says he loves me and he trusts me, but I think he only says that because he knows that's what I want to hear. And then I think, that'd can't be true. He's not that type of person.
I don't know why I do this all of the time. He'll get me so angry and it'll be over nothing. He does worse s**t and I react better. So, why is it always the little things?
Well, he apologised, anyways. I'm glad he did, though. It's not often that he'll take responsibility for things he's done. But, he told me he left a memo on my cell phone and I have to read it when I get my cell phone back, which won't be until tomorrow... He told me the first part, though. 'Baby, I'm sorry I made you feel like you're stupid,' I want to read the rest of it. He said I would probably cry when I read it. I asked him if it was a good cry or a bad cry. He said I'll have to find out. But, not to worry because it's not a really terrible cry.
I don't know if he's going to break up with me because he thinks that's what I want. Or if he's going to do something really sweet. Make my hole go away again. That stupid emptiness I feel when I'm alone. I'm deathly afraid of being alone. But some times I feel like I need to be alone. I think to myself, 'I wish everyone would just go away. Leave me alone. Everyone could die and I wouldn't care,'
I saw this music video a few years ago. Well, more like many years ago. This guy was wandering around a big city and everyone had disappeared. Everyone was gone. Some times I wish that would happen to me... Then I'd never have to worry ever again. I wouldn't have to worry about the people I love. I wouldn't have to worry about myself. I wouldn't have to worry about who might be lurking around the corner. I'd be all by myself and I'd love it.
But, then there might still be the emptiness. That hole in my heart that keeps eating away at it. My heart is slowly disappearing and yet I can love and trust so much. I've put whatever is left of my heart into my love for my boyfriend. If he ever broke up with me I'd die. Or I would be the living dead. I'd be a zombie. I'd be alive. I'd be around. But, I wouldn't have a heart any more. It's taken too many beatings. Actually, you know those women who beat those rugs with brooms or soomething of the sort to get all of the dust off of the rugs? I feel like that's what's happened to my heart. Like everyone I've ever loved has given my heart a nice, good beating just like those rugs. Like the dust being beaten from those rugs, all of the life is being beaten from my heart. Soon there will be nothing left of me. I hope Ken can help me. I hope he can fix me. I need someone to help me because I've tried and I can't fix myself all on my own... I wish there was some way I could make myself feel better without needing someone there for me, constantly...
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