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Every day.. My feelings for him continue to grow stronger.. I can't help it.. Whenever I'm with him, I feel happy, and my heart pounds rapidly. I get nervous, and feel the butterflies in my stomach still.. I don't really know what to do.. He makes me so happy.. Even if it's by not talking about much of anything.. Whenever I talk to him.. It's almost like.. The pain I went through never happened, then I remember that he doesn't care for me like that.. And that she makes him happier.. And it hurts even more.. I can't stop these feelings. I'm not in control here.. I'm happiest when I'm with him. I'm saddest when I'm not with him.. All my feelings are stronger when I'm with him.. But.. Here's when it gets even more complicated.. One of my friends likes me a lot.. I don't know what will happen.. But his depression is driving me insane.. He thinks we'll never be together.. And honestly.. I don't know.. I can't see myself with him still.. I don't love him that way.. And.. I don't think I even like him that way anymore. I don't know what to do anymore.. I guess.. I'll just wait for these things to happen.. There isn't really anything I can do..
~Arie
Edit: I've never felt so left out before.. I feel stupid, unwanted, ashamed, scared, hurt, depressed, and so many other emotions I don't want to think about.. I just.. Wish a blackhole would swallow me up already... I can't handle this for much longer... I'm sick of being lied to, not being told important things.. I wish.. Everything was the same as it was before.. I'm sick of being depressed, and jealous, damnit.. I don't ever want to feel like this again.. I guess.. He really doesn't care about me anymore... That's like.. A knife stabbing my heart.. Repeatedly.. I wish.. I could just forget this.. He's different now than he was before.. I miss the old Josh.. The sweet, adorable guy, who loved me.. The person just for me.. The wonderfully funny, nice guy I loved so much.. I feel stupid for feeling this way, but.. I still love him.. I can't help it.. Everytime I see him log on, my heart races, and I feel warm inside.. Everytime he ignores me, it feels like someone ripped my heart and soul in half.. I don't know what to do.. It hurts so badly.. But.. I can't do anything.. Everything I say hurts someone.. I need to get all these feelings out, but I have no way to. They just won't leave.. I feel abandoned.. By everyone I once cared for.. I don't think anyone really cares for me anymore.. Except my parents.. But they don't understand.. No one really does.. This all hurts so much.. But.. I still love him.. I can't stop it.. Everytime he d/ces from aim, or goes away, I feel my heart sink.. I feel so sick lately.. This all feels so wrong.. I can't stop these thoughts from coming, I can't stop these tears from flowing, I can't do anything to stop this pain.. I want to die.. To get away from all this pain.. But.. At the same time.. I'm clinging to the tiny bit of hope I have left.. I feel ashamed, because I want to die so horribly.. But.. It'd be horribly selfish of me.. To take my own life.. I'd hurt the few people who care about me, and my children would never be born.. I don't know what to do.. I feel like I no longer have any control over my life.. I have no control over anything that happens anymore.. No matter what happens.. I won't attempt suicide.. I promised Josh and Tyler I wouldn't, as well as my mom.. So.. I can't even get a release from this pain.. But.. I have to go on.. Not for my future, but for my children's.. Hell.. I don't even know if my children will exist anymore.. But.. I can see their faces in my mind.. They're absolutely adorable... And I want to protect them.. I want to give them the best future I can.. I know I'm really young to worry about this.. But.. I can't help it.. Sweet, innocent children, they deserve a life.. If I can't live for myself, then I will live for them.. I have to go on.. I can't deprive my future children of their lives.. I can see how Amaya looks clearly.. Curly light brown hair, and bright blue eyes.. She's beautiful, absolutely adorable.. She has a wide smile on her face.. I can't see her brother quite as clearly though.. He has straight brown hair, and I'm not sure what color eyes.. I can't see him clearly..
 TwilightNocturne · Mon Mar 28, 2005 @ 05:12pm · 2 Comments |
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