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God mother knows the meaning of Forgiveness...
Everything went great today. Went to a contemporary art museum... Was all right... But let me get to my point and climax of the day..
As we were ready to leave and still talking about genders and how I'm bi curious and wether being gay is genetic or not blah blah, the subject of my father came up due to being born from a straight family of course. ... Around those lines, my god mother asked me a few things and I told her how I felt about my father, abandoning me, abusing my mother and just creating a bigger problem... To make it worse by boiling my blood, I was reminded that I have two half brothers whom I'd rather not see at all and stay as far away as possible... Why? Because I care not to see my 'brethrend' who share the same impurity and father as I do... Never met... Never will... and if I did, I'd only forsake them as much as I feel. But of course, they weren't born into this world by their choice. But I still would rather believe I am a true only child and dispel of the terms and relations of 'half-brothers' unless they share my common hatred and vengance toward my other creator. I told my god mother that if I ever find him or see him, he'll not only pay physically, but mentally... Be it brutal or not and I'd take any consequence for it. But even so... I take pitty in my father and have sympathy for a lonely man who could of spend his life with such a loving and tender child who used to be blind in belief to the fact that she was still loved by her very father... It makes me sick to think half of my blood is so dirty and filled with such a bad reputation... and worse, feeling like I'm a mistake made even if both of my parents wanted a child. I feel imperfect for that... So unlucky that I'm missing the other half of what could of been a loving family, but for that, I make up for it by being disowned by my father and whomever else is on his side of the family. My aunts, uncles, cousins, father... all dead to me. I could care less if one of them died, really... Don't feel much toward them.
As I kept explaining to my god mother that I feel like I'm a part of what my father is, just a loser and a waste of a soul. I would rather not be born with parents like the ones I have but It could of been much worse... At least I have a mother who pushes me to do something with my life, who raised me and still gives me love regardless of bashing eachother's skulls into walls and the cries of fustration we always seem to do... I have loving friends who want me to do good in life... and who keep me standing and support me all the way... Those who actually give a flying ******** about me. And where is daddy dearest? Probably off impregnating other women and giving them false emotions of 'love' and 'trust' ... And to think that I may have more than just two half brothers makes me stick to no end...
I know and understand I can't change the blood that runs through my veins, but I can make up for it and show what kind of person I'm becoming... God mother told me one word that may change my descisions : Forgiveness.
To forgive my father is like divine intervention on a raging berserker on a frenzy to the death. She told me, "The best thing in the world that we humans have is the ability to forgive if not forget. And when you forgive someone, you feel so much stronger inside and so free. So much better than acting on anger." I agreed to that... but I can't simply change my grudge and resentment and distroy it so easily. I lived with that resentment for so long, making me feel submissive and lowly compared to everyone else, even if I'm the very opposite of that. Just knowing where I come from on my father's side of the family makes me scream and curse at him for changing and lying about being a kind person and loving father that he once was. One reason why I feel like my childhood was never complete or much fun... It just seemed much more lonely, not trusting anyone and keeping to myself.
Occasionally, I wish that my father would visit me and forgive himself, or at least try... and tell me how much I've grown... how cheerful and happy I've always been... A unique and percious child filled with all the love her family has to give, a respected young woman with morals and dignity and filled with the very pride that runs through her... Just wishing for a little praise.... But screw it. He'll never know what I've become, no ******** thanks to him. I never needed his nourishing love and guidance to lead me to a good path in life. In his goddamn forsaken dreams will he ever know who and what I became... His first female b*****d child will never let him see what became of her in this world full of dissapointments and pain.....
Thanks to my god mother, I may consider forgiving him... but not without a speech of how dissapointing and pathetic he is... To tell him that he will never ammount to anything and I actually made something of myself in this world. What does he have to cling and cherish to...? NO ONE. NOT A ******** SOUL. And his family still supports the ******** dumbass whenever he needs something. What about me? His child? They were never there to support me. All a bunch of ******** losers that live a meaningless life in a pit of their own fickle matter and believe that they are a 'family' filled with love and honor... Heh, They wish they knew what those very words mean...
When I move out of my mother's aparments, I hopefully, will be living with what I believe to be my true family: my friends... With Kitsune who I cherish so ******** much in this world... My true big sister and god sister whom I treasure dearly... And hopefully, my big brother Leon will be with us, possibly Minkus even... Its all I could really wish for.... Just having such an imperfect family makes me feel perfect and complete inside. One can only hope for this sweet dream to happen...
Don't have else to talk about really... This was more of a 'blowing steam' moment than a real journal entry. Still feeling the stomach aches but I know I'll get better.
Time to draw and relax for now. I'll post something more upbeat when I have the time... Night to myself~
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