Starting in January of this year my mom's health began to deteriorate quickly. She was in the hospital for weeks at a time. She had difficulties with her kidneys, her liver, she was told she wouldn't ever walk again...
During the last week or so of March her stomach wasn't able to function properly anymore. The hospital didn't want to give her feeding tubes because they saw her as already gone. My father brought her home with borrowed hospital equipment and attempted feeding her baby food. She wasn't coherent anymore.
I live in Minnesota and they live in Virginia. On April 3rd I flew out to the East Coast and my brother picked me up from the airport. We decided to get lunch before we headed to our parent's house. We had just been served our food when his phone started to ring. It was our father. Our mom had passed.
We got to their house and I went through the front door first and could see right into the living room where her hospital bed was set up. I saw my mother dead, just lying there. Her eyes were closed and her mouth wide open. She looked so thin, her face was sunken. I barely recognized her. I was barely inside of the house but stopped still when I saw her. I couldn't move. I didn't know what to expect but I never expected to see anything like that scene.
The next few days were difficult. My father is an a*****e and I hate him as a human being. He made EVERYTHING about him... How lost HE was, how sad HE was... When I said, "I've lost her too. She was my mom." He said to me, "You're young. You'll bounce back." SHE'S MY ONLY MOTHER!!!!!! I wasn't able to grieve because I couldn't with him. If I opened myself up he would have only hurt me somehow.
My brothers (I have 2) are like strangers to me. They don't talk to each other and no one talks to my dad except me. I don't even know why I do. The family I had when I was little is long gone. My dad pissed off all of our other relatives, on both sides, so I don't know my family. I started contacting my mom's only sister but she lives in New York and she's pretty much a stranger too.
We moved around a lot. My dad was never happy anywhere and kept searching for the next great thing. I was born in Florida, moved to Kansas when I was 4, Minnesota when I was 8, Florida again when I was 14, and back to Minnesota at 15. I've never lived in a house that was owned, only rented. I don't have roots anywhere and the few that I did lay down are gone. I moved out of my parent's house when I was 18 because I couldn't stand living with my dad anymore. I moved 25 minutes away but I didn't have a car or a phone and by the time I did, everyone's lives had moved on without me. It was as though nobody was affected by my absence in their life.
And now I feel absolutely lost. I don't have family. I don't have any close friends. I do have my husband but he's not always around and I crave a family. To be loved by other people and have other people to love.
I miss my mom. I've been driving myself crazy with the circling thoughts, regrets, questions, and emotions that I have.
What if she hadn't gotten sick?
What am I going to do when I have a problem only a mother knows the answer to?
I'm sad that I won't get to see her be a grandmother to my children.
What if she hadn't met my father? Would she have found some other loser who would have abused her anyway? Or would she have found someone who treated her like the wonderful woman she was?
Would she have pursued her love of art more if it weren't for my father? Was she really happy with him? Why didn't she leave him when he hurt her? Or when he hurt her children? Did she regret that?
Where did she go? What happens when we die? Do we just stop existing and that's it? Can she see my now?
What would our relationship be like if she were alive and well? I miss the woman she was before she got sick.
Did she know I loved her??
A couple of weeks ago or so I had the worst nightmare of my life. IRL, when my dad would go out of town on business, I would sleep in my parent's bed with my mom and we 'd watch t.v. together and stay up past bedtime. In my dream she didn't want me to. It broke my heart and I didn't understand why she didn't want me to sleep with her. IRL, my husband woke up and was getting out of bed to pee which woke me up and I sat straight up and I told him to come back to bed when he was done. I laid back down and started to sob. He came back and held me and for a half hour to an hour, I cried. That dream shook me up so bad and brought up all the sadness and depression about my mom and I felt off for about a week.
Every day now I think of her. So many things remind me of her. I miss her so badly I don't know what to do with myself.
 For My Mom · Tue Jun 08, 2010 @ 09:13pm · 0 Comments |
