“Hey, guys!” said Vash the Stampede as he entered the Burger King. Spider-Man and Yugi Moto looked up at him.
“Well, if it isn’t my good buddy Vash,” Spider-Man said as he finished downing his seventh chicken nugget. “Long time no see.”
“Let’s cut the crap,” said Yugi as he punched a nearby waitress in the face. “Why are you here?”
Vash sat awkwardly on a table and took his orange-tinted glasses off. “We have a problem. Santa Claus is back, and boy is he pissed.”
“He should be,” Spider-Man agreed. “After all, we did throw him into a volcano several months ago.”
“Turns out all that jolly fat wasn’t just for show. He’s got magic coming out of the wazoo.”
“How do you propose we stop him?” Yugi asked wiping the blood from his fist.
“Same way we stopped Kirby: rocket into the sun.” The three nodded towards each other and walked outside.
“That’s weird,” Spider-Man said with a confused look. “I didn’t know it snowed in L.A.” Yugi and Vash’s eyes met.
“It’s an ambush!!” Vash shouted as he jumped away. They were certainly right about that. Santa Claus descended with his army of Sanji, Ganondorf, and Mufasa.
“OSHI-” Spider-Man said as Ganondorf ganon-punched him in the stomach. Sanji ran towards Yugi while Mufasa pounced upon Vash.
“I really hate to kill,” Vash said, “but you’re already dead.” Mufasa collapsed on the ground as blood drained from two bullet holes.
Sanji bolted after Yugi, delivering kick after kick. Pretty soon, Yugi was bruised and his left arm was broken. “Got any last words, KoG?” Sanji said with a smirk.
“Yeah, I’m right handed!” Yugi threw several of his holographic Dark Magician cards, severing Sanji’s Achilles tendons. Sanji collapsed to the ground as Yugi picked up a blood-stained Celtic Guardian.
Ganondorf was still using his Triforce powers to royally screw Spider-Man over. It eventually became too much as Spider-Man lay lifeless on the ground. “Uncle Ben, what do I do?” he whimpered.
Suddenly the ghost of Abraham Lincoln appeared. “Hey, Peter. You know what I always told my country when we were on the brink of war?”
“That fighting was never the answer?”
“No, b***h. I said that people don’t like to be kicked in the groin.” Spider-Man realized what Lincoln’s words meant, and he spidey-kicked Ganondorf in his unprotected crotch.
“Noooooo!” Ganondorf cried as he feebly clutched his broken d**k.
“We’ve defeated your army. Now surrender, Santa!” Vash shouted.
“Defeated my army? Ho-ho-ho! My friends, I’ve saved the best for last!” The ground began to shake as a shadow spread across the Burger Kind parking lot. Before they knew it, they were facing Mechagodzilla. It began shooting rays of pure energy at the trio.
“How can we defeat that thing?” Spider-Man yelled as he dodged a laser beam.
“There’s no way,” Vash admitted, “unless…” At that very moment, Charizard appeared and flew towards the beast. As it got closer, they were able to see none other than Jango Fett riding upon Charizard’s back.
“Alright Chaz, use Fire Blast!!” As soon a Jango Fett shouted this, Charizard unleashed a wall of flame, destroying Mechagodzilla completely.
“You think you have won? Ho-ho-ho! You couldn’t be more wrong! For now you face me, and all the magic that I have stolen from the Carebears!”
“Omg, he has the power of the Carebears?!” Yugi shouted.
“Yes, and everybody knows Carebears contain a high amount of magic!” Vash said putting on his glasses. Charizard and Jango Fett landed next to the three.
“Should we try again?” Jango asked Vash.
“No, he’s much too powerful.”
“That’s Nazi talk! C’mon, Chaz!” Jango Fett and Charizard flew towards the hovering Santa. “Use Iron Tail!” Charizard did as it was told, only to be stopped by Santa’s warm mitten.
“You bitches are dead! Ho-ho-ho!” And with that, Santa used his magic to electrocute the two heroes. Black ashes rained from the sky. “You have no hope, just give up! You think you can win? I don’t give a-” Santa was cut off by a sword slashing hit suit. “Wtf??” he shouted.
Vash looked upon the scene. “It can’t be!” he shouted in disbelief. “Sasuke is here!” Sure enough, the powerful ninja Sasuke stood on the ground, staring at the fallen Santa.
“Sasuke, my pupil,” Santa said with a laugh. “It looks like I must kill you before I can take over the universe.”
“Being killed is not on my to-do list,” Sasuke said with a hiss. “But killing you is!” Sasuke raced towards Santa with lightning-fast speed, striking him with his sword in every direction. Sasuke jumped back, leaving a wounded Santa before him.
“Time to finish this. Chidori!” Sasuke used his great chakra skills to create a weapon of pure lightning and used its full power on Saint Nick.
“Ho-ho-NOOOOOO!!!!” Santa screamed as he exploded. Sasuke walked back to the three heroes that were left.
“Looks like the day was s-” Sasuke felt a pain and looked down to see a large spike through his heart. “Aw, shi-” he said as he collapsed.
“Sasuke!!!” Vash said as tears flowed from his eyes. They looked to see the cause of the spike. It was none other than a dragon with the head of the janitor from Scrubs!
“Yes, all along Santa was a dragon! How could we have been so blind?” Yugi asked. Vash knew that no power could defeat this beast...unless he used his real cool arm cannon thing. So, he used it and fired at Santa.
“You fools,” the beast said, “your power is too weak! No force can stop Jantagon!” He fired his lazar at the three, knocking them out. Vash looked up to see the monster crawling towards them.
“There is no escape,” he said quietly with a smile. When Jantagon was mere feet away from them, he stopped.
“Who are you?” he asked. Vash looked up to see the outline of a man… no, it was of a kid!
“The name’s Read, Arthur Read.” Arthur then jumped fifty feet in the air and fired a thousand different lasers.
“Wtf?!” Jantagon shouted. “You still can’t beat me!”
“Oh, yeah?” Arthur said. “Gantz! Send me one of those cool katana things!” The all powerful black sphere then teleported one extendable katana to Arthur. He extended the blade length to a ridiculous length and bolted towards Jantagon.
“Fools! I will eat this planet and make a new world on the moon!” Jantagon shouted as he unleashed a hyper beam. Arthur dodged the attack and brought the sword down, severing the head of Jantagon. “NNNNOOOO-” the head shouted as it plummeted toward the ground. Arthur retracted his katana and walked toward the survivors.
A funeral service was held the next day. The graves of Jango Fett, Charizard, Spider-Man, and Sasuke were lowered calmly into the earth below. A bandaged Vash and Yugi stood quietly as a light rain soaked the land.
“Does it ever get easier, this hero thing?” Yugi asked Vash.
“I don’t know, I just don’t know,” Vash responded. They heard the sound of footsteps approaching and realized it was their savior, Arthur.
“Hey, guys,” he said taking a smoke from his left pocket.
“Arthur, you must have seen lots of people die,” Yugi said. “How can you go through every mission knowing that your friends could end up dying?”
Arthur lit a cig and exhaled a puff of smoke. “I just have to remember that it’s a wonderful kind of day, where we can learn to laugh and play, and get along with each other.”
“Amen,” Vash said as a single tear ran down his cheek.
- Title: Omfg, wtf?
- Artist: NeoSnuggles
- Description: what is this i don't even
- Date: 07/20/2010
- Tags: omfg
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