• After I cleaned myself up and got dressed I could still feel the pressing weight of everything on me. I don’t want to tell my mom she wouldn’t understand. She would just say ‘oh well had to happen sometime’. I wanted someone to say that it was ok and that maybe it was really meant for after marriage. Because things can happen, you can get punished for having sex before marriage. And I could defiantly pay for that because Zane didn’t wear a condom. I know that for a fact! But right now I would gladly take anything that might happen. Because I had had sex before marriage. I tried to tell myself that it was ok. Doctors are always prompting it. Safe Sex! It’s ok! No. Sex was made for two people who both have a ring on their fingers and who have promised each other their hearts. I had to screw it up didn’t I? Now my wedding night I will be thinking about Zane. When my husband is kissing me I will get a picture of Zane. How horrible is that? To try to have sex with your husband and get a picture of the guy you had lost your virginity too?! As I walked down stairs I tried on a fake smile that didn’t quite work well. Zane was eating cereal reading the newspaper. Suddenly I stopped and stared at him. A vision flashed across my eyes of him sitting there in a mechanic uniform with the words ‘Walker’ printed on his chest. His hair was the same but his jaw and body was older. He looked to be about 35. And the thing that stopped my breathing was the gold band around his wedding finger. Before I could really see anything more I blinked my eyes and the same old Zane was there.

    “Olivia?” Zane asked looking up to me. His blue eyes were cornered. How could I have seen him like that? It’s not like we were going to get married! This was fake! This relationship had been fake! Why did it come to this?! Us sleeping together? Why?!

    “Nothing,” I mumbled and walked quickly into the kitchen. I got a long drink of water. I felt a hand touch my hip and I flinched slightly. Zane put his bowl in the sink coming around me. “Sorry,” he said and turned the water on filling the bowl up.

    “We have a dish washer you know?” I said. He snorted.

    “They don’t work as good. And I’m just soaking it.” I raised an eyebrow. He half smiled. “Never mind.”

    “So your mom makes you wash the dishes I’m guessing?” he laughed and blushed a little. “Occasionally.” I smiled. I turned and I winced as my lower stomach was sore. “Are you ok?” Zane asked quickly turning toward me. I smiled sadly.

    “I’m just….just a little sore.” He looked down then back up at me quick.

    “Um…oh,” he said and turned around. I almost smirked but didn’t. I got a bowl of cereal and ate it while Zane went back into the living room. After I was done I went in too and looked out the window. I heard the couch squeak as Zane stood up. The snow was almost gone. It looked like a lot of it had melted from the sun that was shinning brightly this morning.

    “Wow,” I muttered.

    “Yeah, I should probably head home. I’m sure my mom is there now.” I nodded and turned to my right to see him standing next to me holding part of the curtain up. His blue eyes looked light and bright. My heart beat speeded up again. He looked down at me and smiled. One of those breath taking smiles. Before I could stop him he leaned down and kissed me. He pulled back just as fast. I stared wide eyed at him. Why does he do that? That can’t be fake! Maybe he does like me. “Let’s clean up.” He said. I nodded and we cleaned up the blankets and trash. As I put the blankets away the lights flickered and came back on. “The lights are back on!” Zane yelled. I laughed.

    “No duh!” I shut the closet door and ran down stairs. Zane was switching the lights off and the TV.

    “There, I think the house looks a little better.” He said looking around. I laughed.

    “Good thing my parents won’t be home till next week.” He laughed also. I put my hand on the banister still on the stairs. “Um, your jacket I washed because…um there was blood on it. It’s in the laundry.” Zane nodded biting his lip. “I’ll go get it quick.” I ran up the stairs and pulled out his brown leather jacket and smelled it. It smelled good. I went back down and Zane was putting on his shoes. “Um…” I said pushing my hair back. “Here it is,” I walked down to the last time and handed it out to him. He looked at me and looked at it. But I didn’t let go. He wouldn’t either. My stomach stirred as we stared at each other. Finally I let go and he took it.

    “Thanks,” he said sounding a little disappointed for a moment. I cleared my throat.

    “How are your bruises?” I asked. He shrugged and touched his shoulder.

    “OK I think. Just still a little sore.” He touched his forehead and winced. My heart ached. He laughed a little. “Yeah just a little sore.” I frowned but nodded. It was silent for a moment. “Well…um I’ll see you I guess sometime…” I said not knowing what to say. He looked down then back up at me his face though he looked even more like a little puppy with his back and blue eye. But something serious stirred in them. He walked up to me and I looked down because I was on the step ahead of him. He dropped his coat and my breath got heavy as he reached for me. I gladly took hold of him as he kissed me wrapping his arms around my waist so tightly, though I wanted him closer. We both seemed to remember last night and his kisses grew rougher. I grabbed his hair in my hands and bit down onto his lip and he shivered slightly. He slipped my legs out from under me and laid me down onto the stairs. He got on top of me and pressed himself close. I moaned between our kisses. I spread my legs open automatically and he gladly got closer. As I felt him, I moaned harder and pulled away. He kissed my neck looking for that spot.

    “Zane…” I said and he thought I was moaning it but I wasn’t. “Zane.” I said louder trying to sound more under control. He pulled back his face flushed.

    “What?” he asked.

    “Your mom is going to wonder where you are.” I said and breathed in a breath. He frowned and nodded. He stood back up and straightened his shirt. I sat up my lips feeling swollen and I was trying to cool down my body. The thoughts of him using me to get back at Kendra and taking my virginity came to my mine and I clenched my teeth. He pulled his coat on then zipped it up. I looked at his face and suddenly I envisioned him smirking at me and saying “you are so easy. Just like the slut I knew you were. I lied to you about me not being a virgin either. You’re so gullible! Wow Taylors you are so stupid.” A lump grew in my throat. He was. He was doing this to me on purpose. Leading me on, having sex with me, making me like him. It was all his plan. “I’ll call you tonight,”

    “No!” I said quickly looking up at him. He lifted an eyebrow his eyes confused. “No, that’s not a good idea.” I said feeling anger in me. He frowned.

    “Are you alright?” he asked.

    “I’m fine! Why does everyone ask me that. If I wasn’t fine you would know!” I yelled suddenly. He flinched slightly.

    “What the hell is your problem?” he asked. I growled.

    “Nothing!” he glared.

    “Whatever,” he turned his back to me. I ran down the steps not finished with him.

    “Actually I do have a problem!” I yelled. He stopped and I almost ran into him. He turned.

    “Oh really?” he asked.

    “Yeah! You’re arrogance!” he raised an eyebrow and laughed coldly.

    “My arrogance? Well then let’s talk about you then for a minute.” I glared and crossed my arms. He looked at me his eyes cold as ice. “You’re stubborn; you won’t listen to one damn thing! You don’t care about anything but you’re self just like all the sluts from school!” he yelled. My eyes got wide in anger. I lifted my fist and was about to pound in his face in. he just smirked at my hand. “Go ahead. Do it.” he said. I bit my tongue hard and I tasted blood. He put his face right at my fist and looked directly in my eyes. “Go ahead Olivia. Free shot. I don’t hit girls.” I wanted everything to throw my fist at him but instead I withdrew it.

    “Well then I guess I can’t hit you,” I muttered coldly. He threw daggers at me with his blue eyes. “Why are we even in this discussion?” he said throwing his hands in the air.

    “Because you’re a jerk!” I yelled. He looked at me.

    “If I’m a jerk why are you still with me?!” he shouted. We both looked taken back by this. I grounded my teeth together.

    “To get Grant back.” I said quietly. He snorted.

    “We both know it isn’t working,” he said through gritted teeth. I looked away my hands clenched in fist still. “Why are you still with me Olivia?” Zane asked quietly. I shook my head. Get a back bone Olivia! He’s trying to get you to spill your guts and admit that you care for him. Once you say you care for him he’s going to bend your words and use them against you. I snorted and looked up at him.

    “For kicks I guess,” I gave a short laugh. Hurt showed in his eyes and I regretted saying it. “Yeah, I guess so….. I’m out of here.” he said and flew open the front door and slammed it shut. After I heard the car tiers squeal out of the driveway my legs felt like jelly. I went to the steps and sat down. My head throbbed and I held onto it. Why did I just say those things? It’s the opposite of what I wanted to say. How could I think those things about Zane? He wasn’t like that! My mind took over me and I used my own words to hurt myself. I cried a little. I can’t do this. I just have to tell him I care for him. Even if he laughs in my face.