• Him

    When I first met you,
    You were like god,
    Smiling at me, making me happy,
    Making me have hope for tomorrow,
    Making me no longer feel that tomorrow was a dreadful thing.
    Making me... yearn for you.

    Feelings
    I don't know...since when...these feelings started to boil in me.
    Whenever you smiled at me,
    I couldn't help it but blush.
    Whenever you hugged me,
    I couldn't help it but push you away.
    Cause I know... if you saw me,
    You’ll see through my mask,
    You'll notice my feelings for you.
    I was scared.
    Scared that you would reject me,
    You would hate me, ignore me, and leave my side
    I didn't want that.
    I ran away from that truth.
    The truth that.
    I Love You.

    That Day
    I regretted it.
    That day...
    When I said those words to you.

    That day...You came...
    Some one joked...that you liked me...
    You...replied ... that... that...there was not way that I would have liked you. You only thought of me as a friend in the first place.
    I froze.
    Seconds...
    Minutes...
    It felt like years.
    A tear rolled down my cheeks.
    I mumbled....I hate you.
    You asked if I said something.
    Oblivious to my feelings you asked with concern.
    Why are you crying?
    I yelled with anger.
    I HATE YOU.
    I ran. Away...far away.
    You came after me.
    You called me to stop. You asked me what was wrong.
    You caught me tight.
    My head lowered.
    My body shivered in anger.
    I screamed at you.
    I HATE YOU.
    GET OUT OF MY LIFE.
    IF ONLY.... IF ONLY...YOU DIDN"T EXIST.
    IF ONLY I HAD NOT MET YOU.
    Shaking off his hands, I walked away.
    You stood there,
    Rooted to the ground,
    Frozen with shock.

    The Next Day.

    The next day,
    You acted as if nothing happened,
    There was a wall between us.
    A wall that prevented us from communicating.
    A wall I created.
    We didn’t talk.
    More like we couldn’t.
    You tried to.
    I avoided you.
    You stopped trying.
    We soon became ‘strangers’.
    The times we spent together,
    Felt so distant.
    As if… I can never reach where you are now.
    As if… it never happened.
    The times… we were togther.

    Soon, we were no longer awkward.
    We became normal classmates.
    But we only spoke to each other when really needed.
    We didn’t get any closer than that.

    You soon got good friends.
    Laughing away happily,
    It all became normal for you.
    Only… I wasn’t there.
    I stared at you from afar.
    Eyes filled with
    Sadness and Regretfulness.

    Wishes and Prayers

    I wished… I have never uttered those words.
    I wished… we were like before…
    If only I had only taken that for a joke…
    We might have… still been friends…
    I might have still be at your side…
    Still with you…
    How … I wish for that.
    Please god, will you hear my prayer?
    Please… turn back time…
    Please…Make it back to how it was like before.
    Please god, I beg you please… I can’t take this loneliness anymore.
    I cried.
    All through the night.
    In my bedroom,
    Silently.
    All alone.
    It felt worst than death.
    The cruel silence, the painful loneliness.

    If… only you were here…
    You would have hugged me,
    Comforted me.
    I imagined all the things we could have done…
    If only not for my foolish action.
    All the happy thoughts…
    Only made me cry harder…
    As if I would go insane… mad….
    CAN SOMEONE SAVE ME FROM THIS LONELINESS?

    Thoughts

    Maybe…
    It would have been easier if I’d grown to hate you,
    But I knew that was impossible.
    I love you too much.

    Maybe…
    Not knowing these feelings would have been better.
    But these feelings were the ones that made me feel alive for once.

    Maybe…
    I should just forget all about you,
    But I know… I can’t.
    You have already left a scar in my heart,
    So deep,
    It’s almost impossible to erase.
    I cannot forget you no matter how hard I try.

    Maybe…
    I shouldn’t have fallen in love with you.


    Girlfriend

    …Days, Months even, passed.
    You, the always popular one, got a girlfriend.
    Your girlfriend was cute, pretty.
    She was stylish and nice.
    She made delicious bentos for you.
    She… was the complete opposite from me.
    A perfect person for you.
    A person I could never surpass.
    A person that will always have a bigger place in your heart than me.
    You gave her the usual hugs you would give me.
    You gave her all the company you used to have with me.
    You gave her all the things I used to have.
    I was jealous.
    From the bottom of my heart,
    A mysterious sinister feeling boiled.
    A feeling of hurt…
    The feeling of wanting to hurt…
    The feelings of hate.

    Hints

    I should have noticed sooner…
    The hints were given to me…
    Once I heard before… from my friend.
    “Do you still love him?”
    I avoided that question.
    I was still scared at that time.
    Scared of being rejected…
    I finally realized.
    It was a hint….
    To catch him…
    Before it was too late..
    Guess I … was that foolish after all.
    I… should have known better…
    And not hesitated…
    To confess.
    If I had did that,
    I would have at least tried.
    I would have at least had no regrets…
    Maybe I would have not been so sad now…
    If I had tried.
    Maybe… I wouldn’t be crying now.


    Festival

    You suggested…
    The entire class should join the festival in August.
    The entire class agreed.
    We promised to meet.

    On the day of the festival,
    I wore a yukata,
    Put on wooden sandals.
    In high hopes of making some memories… for once.
    Ah…I see.
    Your girlfriend and you hooked arms,
    Your girlfriend in a cute yukata,
    Obviously prettier than me.
    The entire class,
    With their couples,
    Walked happily across the crowd.
    I could only follow their steps while putting on a sad smile.

    We gathered at a huge patch of grass,
    Suddenly, the firework went up.
    Everyone was in a trance.
    I stole a look at you.
    Dazzled by the firework.
    My heart ached.
    Your girlfriend and you had shifted closer.
    Quietly, I whispered to the air.
    I love you.

    Winter

    It was a cold winter day,
    Everyone was donned in thick coats,
    Mufflers or scarves round their necks,
    Gloves on their hands,
    Hands tucked in their pockets.
    Just then,
    I saw…
    You.
    You were sharing a scarf with your girlfriend.
    Looking away, with a furious blush,
    Jealousy boiled in me.
    I looked away and hurriedly passed them,
    Changed my shoes,
    Went towards the classroom.
    And looked out of the window,
    Beautiful flakes of snow fluttered around.

    That day, for a strange reason,
    You and your girlfriend were more intimate than usual.
    During lunch, everyone was in their little groups,
    Hanging out together,
    Gossiping about the latest fashion,
    Talking about the last soccer match,
    But my eyes were fixated on you.
    Your girlfriend was feeding you.
    Like a happy couple,
    You both laughed,
    And you declared,
    You love her.
    You kissed her on her cheeks
    She became flustered.
    She, full of embarrassment,
    Sat there and pouted cutely.
    I stared at them,
    I held back my tears.

    I turned away.
    I couldn’t take any more.
    I felt that if I looked any longer,
    I might hurt her… I might hurt them…
    I mustn’t look.
    Tears rolled down my cheeks,
    But it went unnoticed.
    Or so I thought.

    The hatred developing

    The day ended,
    I went on a lonely trail home,
    There was no way you were going to walk home with me.
    Or so I thought.

    I carried my bag,
    Walked out of the classroom,
    You and your girlfriend looked more blissful than ever,
    Probably related to that passionate express of love you gave,
    Your girlfriend gave a light blush,
    You hugged and pat her,
    Commenting about her cuteness,
    While I tried my best to ignore this,
    It hurt too much.

    I quickly scurried away,
    I put on my shoes,
    I had to get away,
    Before I break,
    Before I can’t contain myself,
    Before I go berserk.

    I ran home,
    Nobody cared.
    They were too caught up with their own affairs,
    They couldn’t have noticed the tears,
    The hatred,
    The jealousy,
    All the feelings,
    Overflowing out of me.

    Date, Birthday, Hurting.

    24th December,
    Christmas Eve,
    My birthday.
    You couldn’t have forgotten that …right?

    My parents,
    They reminded me to return home early,
    They had a celebration prepared for me.
    I nodded,
    I went away.
    I wondered through the crowd,
    The park was filled with couples.
    I was sick at the scene.
    I glared at the loved filled place with utter disgust.
    I had not realized,
    I was filled with hatred.
    Hatred for you and your girlfriend.

    Just then, at a bench,
    I saw you and your girlfriend.
    You were giving her a pretty heart-shaped necklace.
    Hey, wasn’t that the one I gave you?
    Tears of rage rolled down my cheeks furiously.
    I could only think of one thing now.
    KILL.
    Driven by rage,
    I stalked both of you.
    Looking at your happy moments,
    I sneered.
    That’s right.
    Enjoy your little couple when you still can,
    Cause.
    I.
    Am.
    Coming.
    To.
    Get.
    You.
    Giving an eerie smile,
    I flashed my penknife I have bought,
    I ran towards both of you.


    I was prepared to kill.
    Blood splattered.
    On my face,
    All over the floor,
    On your girlfriend’s face.
    Ah… her face was shocked,
    Eyes were big open.
    Unable to utter anything.
    I laughed maniacly.
    It’s too late little miss,
    Blame yourself for wanting to go into a dark alley.
    Now, it was death for you and your beloved.



    Omake: The end.

    A girl, splattered with blood,
    Walked down a lonely path,
    A path of red.
    While humming a deadly tune,
    She climbed up to the roof top of a deserted building.
    She sang out loud,
    Staring at the starry sky,
    Cursing god,
    Life,
    Everything.

    She cut her finger,
    Wrote on the floor,
    A bright red note:
    “ We shall meet again in Hell, My dear. Best wishes to this corrupted world. Shall little lambs once again fall into the vicious cycle of love. May my love be fulfilled in hell.”
    In mad chuckles,
    She jumped off.