• So my friend Duo sent me an article from her local newspaper. You know something's horribly wrong with the world (or there are no unfounded fears or horrible tragedies to capitalize on) if a syndicated newspaper is running an article about fangirls.
    (EDIT: Article no longer exists. Damn.)

    So this 12 year old girl, called "Mojo" in the article, embodies everything I hate about fangirls. Here's the play by play:

    1. It's Naruto
    Naruto, on fanfiction.net, is only beaten by one other series in quantity of fanfics; Harry Potter. There are 130,324 Naruto fanfics at the time of this article (March 18th, 2008 1:14 PM) Considering that 60 percent sucks balls (78,194 fanfics) and 25 of the remaining 40 percent (97,743 and this is including ones that suck balls) is porn, that leaves only 15 percent, or 19,548 fanfics, that are readable without inducing your gag reflex (credit to the 4th period algebra teacher and Zekushion for checking my math.)

    On the contrary, we must consider Sturgeon's Law. As summarized succinctly by user Shay_Guy
    It's Sturgeon's Law, 90% of everything is crap. And nowhere is the crap more visible or more infamous than in fan fiction.

    Preach it, brother.

    Let's apply this to other fanfics; except using Sturgeon's Law this time around. (The numbers here are the 90%)

    (Numbers taken [with the exception of Naruto] March 21st)
    Naruto: 117,291 out of 130,324
    Bleach: 12,389 out of 13,766
    Inuyasha: 70,717 out of 78,575
    Fullmetal Alchemist: 19,982 out of 22,203
    Supernatural: 12,735 out of 14,151
    Kingdom Hearts: 28,707 out of 31,897
    Sonic the Hedgehog: 9,502 out of 10,558
    Final Fantasy: 40,910 out of 45,456 (This is all the series put together)
    Phoenix Wright: 756 out of 840 (I'm assuming this includes Apollo Justice)

    Last thing, just because you've seen three episodes on Cartoon Network doesn't give you the right to talk out of your a**. Cartoon Network should be charged with rape because of the horrible things they've done to anime. Look at One Piece for God's sake!

    2. You're Not Japanese, Shut the Hell Up
    To quote the article:

    By watching the original cartoons with English subtitles, she's picked up a little Japanese — erudition that she generously shares with her brother. Last week, with a Sharpie marker, she wrote "Baka" on his forehead.

    "It means 'idiot,' " she explained.

    Because it was in Japanese, the language of manga, he thought it was cool.

    Dissected as per usual.

    By watching the original cartoons with English subtitles, she's picked up a little Japanese — erudition that she generously shares with her brother. Last week, with a Sharpie marker, she wrote "Baka" on his forehead.

    "It means 'idiot,' " she explained.

    I've heard people sling "baka" around casually. Yet if you went to Japan and used that term, someone would beat you. I've taken Japanese for about five years. Every time someone used "baka" they had to write "I will not call (name) a baka" 50 times in Japanese: with Kanji. That kinda hints at something. "Baka" is the Japanese equivalent of "dumbass". Take the hint.

    Because it was in Japanese, the language of manga, he thought it was cool.

    See, this pisses me off the most out of anything when it comes to fangirls. They just parrot Japanese phrases, use Japanese names, and make Japanese screen names that use the same four words every fangirl knows.

    You Gaia users are probably the best example of the "I wish I was Japanese" phenomena. This anomaly of the internet strikes, I would guess about 78% of Gaia. And that's being generous. I see "Suki-chanKitsuneNekogrl3508253" and it annoys me to no end. If you really are Japanese, then you have an excuse, it's your damn language and we're carving it up like a Thanksgiving turkey.

    I feel bad for the Japanese people. Some of them bust their asses to learn English and here we are making a mockery of their language and culture. I can't even count the amount of times I've seen someone say "I WISH I COULD GO TO JAPAN T____T". Been there, sweetie. And it wasn't for tourism. Unless you think sitting in a classroom for three hours in the morning for your daily Japanese lesson is a vacation.

    I have a Japanese screen name. But at least it means something decent instead "Cat-chan" or something retarded like that. Besides, "Genkigami" isn't in the dictionary of four words every fangirl knows. Am I being hypocritical? Slightly. But at least I can spew out a sentence in Japanese that isn't just "____ wa _____ desu."

    For the slow, my name means "Energetic God Shiranui". Hooray for Okami references.

    If you can't translate this;
    Inu yori neko hodo ga suki desu.

    Shut the hell up.

    It doesn't sound instantly cool when you translate something in Japanese. I do it on a regular basis because I'm planning to go into international criminal law. Not because I want to repeat lines from Deathnote.

    3. Sasuke is not worth it.
    Seriously. There are more bishounen (oh God, I'm using contrived Japanese anime jargon) out there that would... oh I don't know... BE MORE WILLING. What don't you get a man whore like Vash the Stampede? You know, the kind that would not turn down anything with a va-jay-jay.

    4. You're f*bleep*in' 12!
    I will admit it, I have done retarded things when I was 12. Like having to get surgery to repair my eye because I ran into a rose bush. But in my tween years, I have never had a crush on a fictional character. Jesus Christ, people. Don't you ever get off your computers and go outside? What the hell do you 12 year olds do that doesn't involve reading anime literotica? And terrible literotica at that. Seriously, that's like watching Tifa in a wet bathing suit contest while she's in a black shirt. It defeats the purpose.

    As I sit here, day four of writing this article with a thylacine plushie hanging over the top of the school computer to give it a more homely feel, I begin thinking that maybe I'm being too hard on Mojo. After all, she is 12. But one look at the stats from Fanfiction.net tells another story.

    I searched Fanfiction.net for fics which are designated as containing Sasuke. I got a grand total of 24,987 fanfics designated as containing Sasuke. This is 18 percent of Naruto fanfics at the moment of this writing. (This edit was done March 24th, 8:03 PM Pacific Standard Time)

    Let's further narrow this down. I filtered it to fics containing Sasuke that are rated M. This yielded 8,131 fics, or 32 percent of the fics that contain Sasuke in general and 6 percent of all Naruto fanfics. To me, that's 8,131 too much.

    More fun with facts since I know you're all going to bug me to be fair.

    Naruto Fanfics that contain Naruto: 32,718 (24 percent of all Naruto fics)
    Naruto Fanfics that contain Naruto and are Rated M: 9,562 (29 percent of all fics containing Naruto and 7 percent of fics of all Naruto fics)
    Kingdom Hearts Fanfics that contain Demyx: 1,984 (6 percent of all Kingdom Hearts fics)
    Kingdom Hearts Fanfics that contain Demyx and are Rated M: 289 (14 percent of all fics containing Demyx and .9% of all Kingdom Hearts fics)
    So you made it to the end, eh? Super duper. Be sure to leave me a comment. And if you're offended because I picked on young fans, keep in mind that I pick on everyone. Including myself.