I'm not sure when I first started feeling this way... I guess it was when my ex girlfriend was medically diagnosed with Depression. The concept was hard to comprehend, but I thought I was strong, and thought that, with my support, my girlfriend at the time would get through it... But it's never that easy.
Sometime after we moved out of her parents place and into our own, I started feeling 'down in the dumps'. "No biggie," I thought "this is just normal human emotions." And I went about my life. Christmastime approached, and we began planning a trip to spend Christmas and New Years with my friends and family, who were interestate. I was excited, after all, I hadn't seen my friends and family for nearly 18 months.
Christmas came and went and New Year's approached. My girlfriend had gone back to spend New Years with her friends and family, while I stayed on with mine. Two days after New Years, my girlfriend called me and broke up with me. Naturally, I was devastated... I couldn't go back to NSW, but I had nowhere I could go... Fortunately my best mate offered me a place to stay, and, having nowhere else to go, I was inclined to accept his offer.
Four months later, my mate announced that he was moving back in with his mum to look after her when she came out of hospital, leaving me with not much time to find a place to move to... By this stage, I was feeling REALLY down in the dumps... I was withdrawn from my friends, and constantly worrying about my future, afraid that I would end up homeless and on the streets. My pride, preventing me from seeking help from my family, I guess, I was worried about what they would think... I was fortunate that a mate of mine offered me a room to stay in, temporarily, and so I took it.
The plan was, that my mate would be looking for a place to rent in a nearby suburb, getting his mother to help HIM with his rent, and that I would move in with him, and share the costs, covering my end in its entirety. His mother had other plans. She told me, in no uncertain terms, and in a tone of voice that suggested she was explaining the ABCs to a 5-year-old - despite me being 24 years old - that she didn't like the concept of me moving in with her son, thinking that I wouldn't be paying my way and that I would leave him high and dry. This of course, was not the case... but being spoken to like that certainly did not help me any. The pressure was on for me to find a place to stay within a short amount of time, adding to my already low moods. Again, I was uncertain of my future, and being the proud sort of person, that I am, I couldn't bring myself to ask for help.
A stroke of luck led me to my current place - a room to rent in a suburb close to my dad's place, and within a week of finding and looking at this place, I moved in. Feeling very overwhelmed at the sheer size of the place, I rarely ventured out of my room, and even rarely socialised with anyone else, feeling very nervous when someone did talk to me. The day after I moved, I went food shopping, but forgot some of what I meant to get, updating my facebook to reflect this. This prompted two of my (now) former friends to comment nastily, stating that my lack of the job automatically made me a dole bludger and that I was mooching off the government and spending all their precious tax money.
Normally, when someone has a go at me, I just get really, really angry, but this time was different... This time, I found myself in tears... I tried to hold them back, but it was no use, the tears flowed freely and easily, and I felt really embarrassed. I don't know why, I guess because I saw crying, for me at least, as a sign of weakness and my strength was something I prided myself on... ever since then, I have felt undeniably sad, I have thought of myself as being "worthless" and a "failure", I am tired, but can't sleep (this last one has been going on for quite some time now... I stay up late, wake up early and can't get back to sleep), I have lost my appetite (I made pizza tonight - my favourite, and I have eaten less than half of it), I have headaches and I am just plain unhappy nearly all of the time.
I think part of the problem stems from my worries about the future, and financial pressures... I am worried that I am not going to be able to look after myself, I am worried that I'll end up on the streets... I am worried that I am going to let my family down... All of these worries, and more, plague me of a day-to-day basis, but yet, I am really reluctant to go to the doctor about it... I'm not sure why... a part of it is pride... a part of it is fear... a part of it is stubborness, and financial issues... Being single, I think, also doesn't help matters... I think it would be easier for me to go see a doctor if I had someone I was close with, to go with me, but I'm still unsure...
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