Something's just about to break...
~I feel like an angel with broken wings, hurtling towards the earth, crying and screaming for anyone to save me; going unheard, completely unseen, and quickly racing towards my end. My wings are broken, I am mortal, and no one is going to save me...not even my God this time.~
There's so little left in my control of my life now that I feel like a frightened child. I've never really grown up, but the end is coming for me and soon the world will demand that I be an adult and make choices for myself, giving me no other choice than to do it for myself or fail and hide away and be weak. My junior year is over now, and although I know I passed, I did not do as well as I needed to. Again I only halfheartedly put effort into my work unless I was in the mood to do so and again my teachers graciously accepted late assignment after late assignment even to the point of turning my CRP in the last day of school. I don't deserve the kind of chances I'm given daily at Bellarmine and I have no way to express that, and indeed my show of that gratitude so far can be weighed, measured, and found wanting... I don't deserve the friends I have there either, I have more people that truly and honestly care about me in that place than I ever expected to have in my entire life. They make me glad to be alive, and whats more, Bellarmine allowed me the once in a lifetime chance to meet the boy I love more than I ever thought humanly possible.
Even in that though, I am not all that I could or should be. I know he tells me he loves me, and that I make him happy, but I'm selfish and want more than that. I want him safe; I want to take away all the bad memories, all the pain, the fights, the regret. I want to take it all and lock it away inside my heart so he can be the happy person he was always intended to be. It's not fair that any one person can think they have the right to hurt or control someone else. Not in any form or on any scale. It doesn't matter if it's just in the home, or around the world in corrupt governments and fanatical groups. No human, no matter how highly they think of themselves, has the right to hurt another. He expresses his anger, his frustration, and his pain at the woman called his stepmother who has yet to ever learn the meaning of the word "mother" at all. He loves his family, and I understand greatly how much pain he must feel at the perpetual unhappiness that emanates from that house which is not a home. She makes it hell for them all and I wish there was something I could do...and sometimes I feel like there might be, although it is a choice I am hesitant to speak of because it expresses more than just a little bit of how unhinged I am. In a rage he spoke of how he might like to kill her, just to end all the hurt she causes, but that it wouldn't be an option because it would hurt them all even more because of his choice...even before reading that I'd had such thoughts myself...and if the chance ever presented itself to me (with valid reasoning if I was feeling sane enough at the time)...I would kill her myself... And I have no doubts about it, I would, for him and those he loves. It would save all the pain he believes would be caused by him doing it. I could and then in the end the other thing left would be for me to accept the blame and be taken away. Then, they could be free, all of them. I don't know if it would make them happy but at least that would give them the freedom to find what does make them happy. I know it's wrong of me to think such things, but I can't help it. If in doing so I would at least make things slightly better for them, I would. I can't make his mother see what she doesn't want to, and she doesn't want to accept that no one in that house is happy with the way things are, I wish I could give her the strength to walk away with her children and to understand that no financial situation is ever worth sacrificing the bond between herself and her children. She is their mother, I do not understand...Perhaps it is just because I am an emotional and dramatic person, but I know that when I have children I would willingly and gladly lay down my life for theirs. I feel that way for everyone who I care about, and I would like the chance to care for everyone.
Is this the way God feels? Locked away in His heaven by His own children? He loved us and set us free and asked nothing more than that we love Him in return. Yet we fight, we hurt, we betray, we use, and we kill each other without a second thought, especially not about Him, never about Him. He gave us free will and we tear ourselves apart. Powerless to stop us, because He loves us and let us go, He watches from heaven while we die, slowly and painfully, crying out for help, but never to Him. I feel like perhaps these moments of deep seated pain and longing to embrace everyone and just for a moment give them peace and happiness give me a brief insight to my Lord's own pain, for even gods know suffering...and if each child who must watch their families pull themselves apart how much more must it hurt to be the one to watch it happen over and over and over again the whole world over and be powerless to stop it all because you let them all go out of love? It's hardest because you can never make the people who you love see the truth, because they are blinded to anything that upsets their perfect little world inside their mind. It's always harder to love than it is to hate. Hate makes you lock everything up and only focus on the things you want to, but love makes you see everything. Love makes you feel everything. Pain, joy, longing, regret, passion, depression, anger, happiness, all these things are brought on by love. Love makes everything complicated, and how beautiful of a complication it is. Love is every bit like a rose: beautiful, painful, fragile, and so very very precious for it's brief burst of life before gracefully fading out to feed the earth and give rise to the next generation to have that same gift as well.
I'm afraid of what the world holds for me because I have no control over it and I'm scared to let go and allow my Lord to have control. I am very much so that frightened child clinging to the tree branch, refusing to come back down to reality and the calls of those who would help me if I'd give them the chance because I'm too scared to move. If I move, things change. If they change, I have no control. When I let go of my control then I fear everything I love may flutter away from me like birds set free from a beautiful gilded cage, but a cage nonetheless. There's so much I don't understand, so much that’s calling me to come and see. But I'm scared, that’s the only word I have for it. Time brings change and I fear change more than my own death. Death is imminent, it will happy one day for us all, its the time between birth and death that frightens me because I will love and I will lose and I fear that loss and the pain it will bring. I want to be alone with Adam forever, I want those happy moments to just freeze and leave me feeling that way for all eternity with him at my side. I'm afraid to let him go, I'm afraid to lose him because I love him so. No one can go to hell if they're loved as much as he is by me. I love him so much it hurts, and it's such a huge feeling that I feel as if I might burst, shatter into a million pieces because my body is inadequate to keep it held in. It's a pain I gladly accept though because it lets me know just how real it all is. It reminds me that it's not going anywhere because this love will leave a mark; on my body, my heart, and my soul. Nothing will be the same for loving him, and I'm eternally grateful for having that miracle touch my life at all.
 Moonlight Masquerade · Fri Jun 15, 2007 @ 07:41am · 0 Comments |
