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I love how I only make journal entries now and again, and when I do they're normally really long and talking about something bad xD
I'm such an emo.
Anywho, the point to it is that I just want to off load some of the crap that’s going on right now. Namely, my grades. Which are all over the place. I range from having 100.4% in a class to a 55%. Yeah, so from an A to an F. Crazy crazy, I know. That F though is from my physics class and I can't help it! Mr. Jackson creeps me out! D: He's this scary old man who blatantly told all the girls in that class that if they wore revealing clothing he would be looking because he is a guy. Yeah, sure, it's giving fair warning to the girls to dress within the actual dress code at school on that day (wow, such a concept, following the rules! surprised ). But still, it disturbs me because of certain things that went on in my past. I'm easily spooked when it comes to elder men making comments like that.
My only other bad grades that I know of are my two history classes, and I'm doing badly in those because history puts me to sleep. Yeah, I want to learn, but having two teachers that seem to like to hear themselves talk for almost the whole class period (we have an hour and twenty minutes per class, four classes a day) would put anyone to sleep. Or, well, it puts me to sleep; but whatever! Roar, I'm all over the place this year. I want to make the effort to have all good grades much I just won’t seem to allow myself to do it. I don't understand the way I work! D:
And then of course on top of all that stress from my fun loving college prepatory school (that’s right, it's not a high school, it's a college prep. school), there's the usual crap from school life, meaning friends. I have a boyfriend, I love him very much, but he's very far away from me. So I can't help but be lonely and I like any attention I get. Bad thing is, when I get attention, I get attached really easily. I don't make friends very well, but when I do I open my heart to them almost completely. That’s why it hurts so much when that trust is betrayed. I've come to the conclusion that I'm just doomed in the realm of boys, because apparently when a guy likes me at my school I either a) don't notice it till too late, like a year later when he tells me "yeah, I liked you last year, funny huh?" and they think that I was never interested at all or b) get attached, shy away, guilt trip myself and block out those feelings. Easier said than done. I just need Brett to visit here so I can have someone to hold already. I'm tired of being alone.
Every time I hug Adam I miss Brett more. Adam and I are emo buddies, we're both completely ******** up kids that have a lot in common, but just don't talk about it. We have a quiet understanding of each other. But I worry about him because although my mother drives me crazy, at least she isn't threatening to kick me out the day I turn 18. Which his mother is doing to him. He's sad, I know it, because I act the same exact way. And if he's anything like me, then he wishes someone would notice and at least sit and talk with him for a while. It's no fun to cry alone, you just do it again and again and no one ever knows. He's quiet, but not because he's shy. He's hurting, and angry about it. Just like I am. That’s why I'm so worried about him. I already know how I get sometimes, I want to kill myself, I want to hurt myself, I want to scream and hit someone, just so they'll finally notice that everything is not ok. I've no idea how things are for him, neither of us want to talk about it around other people and we get no time to be with each other without anyone else around. I'm worried about that as well though; I don't want him to open his heart to me about how much he's hurting, I'd love him too much for it. I'm very sad...
And that’s just at school, which completely excludes the crap going on with my family right now and everything else. It's all too much to sit down and get out in one go, and I don't want to type it all out anyway, I want someone to talk to. But I don't know who'll listen to me and understand. I don't want to make my problems someone else's and I don't want their pity. I just want a little reassurance sometimes of someone there to hold me and tell me it'll be ok someday, even if all it is is a sweet lie. Lie to me, I don't care, I just want to smile for a little while without sorrow being laced upon my lips.
 Moonlight Masquerade · Fri Oct 13, 2006 @ 03:02am · 7 Comments |
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