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AAAAND once again i am stuck waiting up all night long with nothing better to do than sit here and babble at my stupid online journal. Do i like have no life or what?! I mean it doesn't help that i am grounded so i shouldn't even be on here to begin with but still...
I wish i could talk to mason some more, and not online. Like even just over the phone, just hearing his voice would do wonders for my attitude. I have been so depressed since i've been grounded. My parents don't see it of course, i don't let them, all they see is that i'm making an effort to be nice to my siblings and do whatever they say when they say it.
But no i am so tired! I've only gotten 3-4 hours of sleep in the past 48 hours and i am pulling an all nighter again tonight unless this little s**t i call a sister decides to crash sometime here soon.
It really feels like i haven't gotten a break all summer... I mean its already almost a third over and my days have been packed since it started. If i'm not running somewhere to go do something or get someone i'm at home waking up at nine so i can be ready to babysit all freaking day. I have gotten none of the reading i wanted to do done. I haven't gotten a sunburn like i usually do. I've been working out an hour and a half at least, every day on the DDR machine.
I'm looking forward to the HP movie but just after that comes out my uncle kevin is coming to town to visit, meaning that i am probably going to have to clean and vacate my room so he has a place to stay. meaning i'm probably going to be sleeping either in tommy's room with him or on the couch. I'm voting for the couch.
When he leaves my mom is leaving for cabana in maryland and i'm getting the HP book which i am going to sit down and read straight, no sleeping, moving, blinking and probably no eating until its done...
When thats over we are taking a vacation to southern Colorado to go camping for a week, and then by the time thats over i will have around about 3 weeks of summer left in which to see my friends, maybe plan a party, go school clothes/supply shopping, and do whatever else needs to be done before going back in the fall.
I was so hoping for a quiet summer this year and it looks like i am once again going to be dissapointed... We haven't even gone to get fireworks yet... Fourth of july is this wednesday i believe and we haven't done anything in preparation like we usually do. Its depressing, my whole neighborhood has been setting off fireworks and holding partys since middle of last week and we haven't even gotten our asses out there to buy fireworks... Its pathetic really.
But i'm too sleepy to really get riled over it like i usually would. Its odd, i have discovered that i have a very explosive temper and very strong and virulent feelings and opinions about nearly everything... My actual self, who i'm still getting to know, is a very passionate person. Its odd cuz the mask that i usually wear doesn't really have strong feelings about many things. And the things it does have strong feelings about it is usually pretty calm about but this inner self i've been going back to is very emotional and just pasionate about everything. Its odd. I have never had so many emotions hit me at once.
And i mean i've been steadily getting hit with strong emotions over the past month or so, ever since i decided to stop hiding myself. But i guess years of repressing my emotions and feelings has compounded them and they occasionally all hit me at once. So on top of having to play the perfect daughter i also have to deal with the mood swings from hell.
Not that i mind, i expect that they will calm down once the main wave of them is over, but it is very difficult to just jump to every time my parents say something when i'm swinging from depression so deep i'm past suicidal and just kind of empty to so angry i can't see straight and wanting to kill everything within a ten foot radius of my person. So i go sucicidal homicidal and DEAD!
No so far there hasn't been a happy mood swing. Cuz i never repressed happiness. If i was truely happy i let it show in fact i even tried to convince everyone that i was happy even when i wasn't. Succeeded many times too.
But no, all of the hate, anger, and emoness that i hid for the past 10 years is now ganging up on me. Its headache worthy.
But no, so far aside from a few wonderful days that were spent with mason my summer has been pretty crap. And its sad because this summer was supposed to be fun.
I was supposed to finish drivers ed, get my license, which the teacher says i'm not ready to try for yet. He thinks i don't fully grasp the concepts of rightofway and appropriate lane of travel. HE'S WRONG! I grasp the concepts perfectly i had just only had about 3 hours sleep the night before and was attempting to drive in traffic at nine in the morning.
So yeah, because of that my parents are making me wait until the end of summer to get my license so i can get "more practise time in" really its just cuz they know that once i have my lisence theres nothing stopping me from going out to see mason at any time of the day or night. They just realize that their already limited controll over my life will be further lessened by me getting my license.
SO yeah. Get license? dead. Read giant assed list of books? Not with the way my scheduals been. Get tan? HA! Spend lots and lots of time with mason? I'm still hoping that one will work out... but honestly? All of the plans i had for summer, all of the things i had hoped would happen are so far not working out and that coupled with lack of sleep and the mood swings from hell are slowly killing me from the inside.
Crap, another wave of depression, well yeah i'm going to go write in my randomness book since that usually helps me combat these swings of complete and utter hopelessness and misery. Talk to you later, sorry to waste your time with all of this babbling.
-Kassie
 mistress_of_insanity · Sun Jul 01, 2007 @ 12:43pm · 11 Comments |
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