I'm serious here.. cuz i've been sitting here for the past 15 minutes just about bawling my eyes out right over the keyboard... And while it seems to be working just fine it would be just my luck that all of that salt water would damage my mom's keyboard so she couldn't type more of the story that got me crying in the first place. Yes, my mom is writing a story. She does that from time to time. Its where i tend to get my own insane urge to write. But unlike my stories (though not entirely unlike the one i'm currently writing O_o) Her stories tend to be intensly emotional and deal with events that have truly impacted her life. So she's taken the combined deaths of both of my grandmothers and is writing about them. I barely made it through the second paragraph before i realized that i was crying. And its not as if she's strictly sticking to either death for the story.. NO! nonono... she's decided to take the scary long-drawn-out terror of cancer that we had with my noni and apply it to the character of my grandma kennedy.Now as some of my closer freinds are aware of i was leaps and bounds closer to my grandma kennedy than my noni. Not that i didn't love noni but she just didn't have as strong a role in my life as my grandma kennedy. To the point that it still kills me inside to think about what i lost those long 5 years ago... to think i was only eleven when it happened. Anyway so the whole thing starts out describing which of my grandparents it is that is going to be killed off and of course i recognize which person it is within the first few lines and then i find out that she's going to put grandma K through the torture and terror that my noni had to go through with lung cancer. And s**t... i've started up again.. Anyway I couldn't stop reading it though, it is a well written story... But that coupled with the fact that i had one of those bittersweet dreams again where everyone was alive again and i got to talk to them all again is just making me lose it. I am not made for crying. It is not good for me like it is for some people, not cathardic, not helpful... no... With me its messy, depressing, and it gives me a headache... And the depressing-ness of the thing thats making me cry coupled with the depression that comes just from crying in general, well, lets just say its not a good thing... God i miss them... more than anything else right now all i really want to do is be able to go over to my grandma's house hug her and reassure myself that everything is okay.. but its not okay... and it never will be again... When i was little i used to wake up from night terrors and request, no beg to be either drivern over to my grandparents house or just be allwed to call to make it so i was okay. Now its only in those night terrors that i get to see her... its just not fair... dammit...
 mistress_of_insanity · Mon Aug 06, 2007 @ 03:01am · 9 Comments |
