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I have managed to screw up my life, dissapoint those about me, down myself, break freindships, and worst of all lost someone I loved.
I miss my Grandpa so much , it still feels like I have a whole in an area were flesh should be, where a piece of my heart should go. He was such a big part of who I am. And now that he is gone, how am I making him proud, how am I living in his memory, how am I respecting him? Im not, if anything he would be dissapointed of who I have become, He would have been furious, I wonder if he Is.
But, at the same time, He is not here to lecture me, so how would I know, I mean its not like he fought hard for his life, He gave up, He let a fightable disease take over him, and take him from me. So how can I forgive him for that, its not my fault, I want him here, but he is not. I wished for just one more conversation with him, but will I get that. No.
I want to know why he did not fight it, why he gave up, knowing how much I need him.
So I am going to be sixteen with more on my plate than alot of people, and I dont know what to do.
Latley I have been thinking alot about life, and you guys, and have come to a realization that I do not know what I am doing. And I hope you guys can pray that I am okay because, I found out what I have may not be hives, it may be the measles, or mumps or whatever they are called,or it could be somthing life threatining. I have come to a sad realization that I am not really going anywhere with my Life. I dont know what or who I am and what I want to do is clear, but how would I go about doing it. I have decided that I need to focus on life, and I either want to be an actor and have a voice, I may even play a sport professionally to get into an acting career, or I am wanting to be in politics. But the question remains how will I go about doing that, how will I accomplish my goal at the rate I am going at. How will I make my family and friends proud of who I become, because as it stands now, I am on a fast track to becoming nobody, a loser who will go nowhere in life, and if that is my destiny, why, would'nt I be able to change it. Is it really as easy as applying myself, my mind and heart tell me it is, but there is somthing else telling me no. I am just going to have to lay my life in gods hands and hope for the best. I am a young adult, and need to start acting like it. In close to two years I am going to be moving out to go to a junior college so I can even hope to go to a standard 4 year college. I dont know I have just been thinking alot lately.
But, yet I am stil unsure what to do. Its like a tug of war going on constantly inside of me.
I dont know, I am just upset, I miss my Grandpa, and I dont know what to do.
Happy birthday to me huh?
 VaughnZ · Mon Oct 15, 2007 @ 03:23am · 2 Comments |
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