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So, I'm writing this since it'll be on the internet, and no one will most likely read this anyway... I just feel like writing...

*sigh* Alright, so I've been going to counseling recently... My counselor talks to me a lot about how my father touched me, and did lots of bad stuff. She recently asked if I perhaps have blocked out memories of what he could have done. I said,"I've thought the same thing." I went home and thought about it. I suddenly realized that when I was younger about 3 or 4 times I would have a dream about having sex, when I woke up I wouldn't remember the face, but my clothes would be off. My counselor says my father most likely did it... Especially since I only had those dreams when he was there.

It would pretty much suck if indeed he has done that too me. I mean, it's mine to give, not to be taken away... And if he's my father why would he do that? I mean, isn't he supposed to love me? It really hurts to know that it's a likely possibility that he's done that. I feel so worthless and unloved. Hardly anyone in my family cares...

I mean about a year ago now, I told my family that I had been cutting and they said,"Why?" and I said,"I don't know..." They said,"Okay. You still do it now?" I said,"No." They all went back to eating and talking about whatever else. Doesn't seem to me like they really care or love me. I mean, if I was going through all kinds of pain to cut... Shouldn't they have cared?

Now, since my father has died, it's left me feeling severely confused. I mean, he never apologized... What if he might've changed later on in life? I still had that chance. Now I don't. Last time he was in town, he could have seen me... He decided not to though, just to save his a** from possibly going to jail. I don't understand... He always said,"I would die for you." Well, if he would die for me, and be there for me whenever... Why didn't he see me while he had the chance?

Anyway... Just had to say that. Even though>.> Most likely no one pays attention to these things >.< lol

song-sound
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Mon Sep 14, 2009 @ 06:41am

My God, Denyse! s**t man, I never had any idea your dad did things like that. I mean, I'd heard about him getting violent and stuff, but never about him getting sexually out of line.

Damn....I just have no words that might even come close to enough for saying how sorry I am he did anything like to you. It makes me see you as an even stronger person for how you still display and accept physical affection from other people. I'd be freaked out as all hell for a long time if anyone did that to me.

As to the cutting, I'm pissed on your behalf that no one in your family took that seriously. Please please please tell me you don't do that anymore. I never did it myself, even at the peak of my depression, but I understand the urge to do it. It helps make the emotional pain you feel physical, helps it seem real, helps make it seem that now your pain makes sense, or that now you have a reason to be in pain. Maybe you had different reasons, but that's what used to make me think about doing it. Luckily for me, I'm a big chicken with pain and resorted to not eating or sleeping properly instead to make my body ache the way my mind and heart did.

If you ever need anyone to talk to about these things, I'm here. I've been in and out of depression, so maybe I can offer you a better ear than others. Just remember that even if I can't help you, I still love you and don't want you to hurt.

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