Well, I feel i've been in a long running period of personal trials. It just seems like anything i desire or pray for... i keep seeing other people with those things lately... and i have started to feel this type of sadness in my heart.. and i get to feeling a bit upset. because i have always loved Jesus... I have always given him my life and tried to serve him as wholly and completely as humanly possible.. as much as I can. Not to make myself sound great. maybe what i give him is crap because without him... i'm really not even very great at all.. i'm just a little tiny person.. [seriously.. 5'2 and am lucky if i can break 90 lbs] and i have a big mouth.. and i have high ideals... and people find me awkward to hang out with.. cry well anyways
i met this one mom at coke music. i talk with her a lot. her oldest son gives her a lot of trouble.. anyways.. we been talking for a while. and she is from england. she started showing me pics of hteir house... and omg. it was a total mansion. and pics of their guest rooms. supposedly they have like ten bedrooms and a couple bathrooms. and they have two pools... well, one is a waterfall spa.. but still... i mean. geez. and i thought to myself how nice it must feel to own one's own home.. to have your own laundry machines... to not have to know what it's like to run low on food ... and because you can't get to the grocery store.. your cupbards are bare for three days... and you are trying to feed a child and make sure your blood sugar doesn't drop too low.
then, i have had this friend at work. she and i share a fun love of LOTR stuff.... we both collect. well, her husband collects most of it.. and what she buys is usually for him.. but she really likes the elves and likes stuff to do with them. and... it's well known at work that I not only love LOTR.. but love all things tolkein and love galadriel. She is hands down my favorite character throughout the stories... she's like an unsung character.. she is there through everything.. but always downplayed as not very important... but she herself does play her role in helping things along... she was one of the few elder elves who were willing to remain in middle earth and refuse to leave while Sauron abided there still. She refused to allow him to put all of humanity and dwarvdom into his slavery... she was ever watchful of saruman as he fell into evil. i mean... she has her roles too... i just really like her a lot. anyways.. this is all very well known. and, almost a month ago, she told me she was surfing the internet and found out they were making a barbie as Galadriel collectible! eek surprised whee omg.. i have been collecting barbies for a long time too.. omg.. the coming together of two of my favorite things... what else could be more compatico... now here is where it gets to the rubber meets the road... she knowing how much i want it... told her husband she wanted it.. and he got it for her birthday like three weeks before i was on sale.. and it's only on sale via the internet. you can't even get it in stores.... evil mad i mean... wtf... and then comes to work to rub it in my face that she got it... and she's always bragging to me about all the nice stuff her husband gets her.. and i'm not sure if she's rubbing that stuff in my face.. or the fact she has a husband who's willing to do that.. cuz josh hasn't been willing to get married for many years. and she knows that's something else i have desired with all my heart for a long long time. either or both ways... she is just starting to strife wth me... and i really don't see why that is. What did i ever do to her?
well... the Lord sent me a reminder this morning how that things aren't always what they seem.. and just because i see someone with so much.. and it seems like he allows them to keep getting more... that it's maybe not quite what it seems... and just because it seems like i am ever struggling in my livelihood... that isn't maybe how it seems either. so... to help myself overcome these feelings of discontent; because i know the Lord hated it when the children of Israel murmured and complained in their hearts against the Lord for wandering in the wilderness... he was wrath with them.. and repented of ever having raised them up out of the earth and delivering them... and wanted to destroy them there... had it not been for Moses there to remind the Lord his promises of old to Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob.
so.. five things i am thankful for:
1. my son: he is ever my grace that sustains me at times. he is so cute.. and is always there to give me a hug... and is just so adoreable.. and if i ever feel like noone needs me.. he does. and i am his most favorite person
2. josh: I am thankful Jesus allowed me to find someone who enjoys spending time with me despite the way i am at times.. which is apparently not too great since not too many like to hang out with me. gonk but i am glad i found at least one person who likes to. and i'm thankful he loved me enough to come to michigan even tho i meant leaving his sisters and cousin and stuff.... heart
3. I am thankful for finding the prayer group on gaia. By being part of that group, the Lord has been healing old wounds from the time i was persecuted at my home church.. and in many reflections of that place and realizing just how much i loved them and respected my old pastor.. i find forgiveness for htem. and by letting go of that anger.. real healing has been happening in my soul.. and I am starting to be born again all over... and i am rediscovering the power the anointing has in my life.
4. I am thankful that i can be friends with my siblings. not everyone gets along with their siblings... but, my three.. we always hang out and do stuff together.. and i'm thankful to have that with them. in some ways... my sister is my only real life friend who's a girl who i feel i can trust. who's not out to show me up or violate my life....
5. I am thankful for my job... tho i have a lot of anxiety there.. i went for a few years without one tho i searched diligently.. and also, before TRU, i applied at a hollywood video. and i was so sure i would get it.. then i didn't.. and was so upset.. but within a few days, my brother got me to talk to the store director and he took me in... and over a few weeks, i proved my worth.. and now i've been there for a year and a half.. and is the longest i've ever been at any one job. This year... things are going along just as i had hoped as far as shopping for christmas. and... i have met some nice people there... this one lady. Robin Lilly... She is such a nice woman.. I admire her so much.. not like, i wanna be like her.. but i honor her kindness in my heart... i hug her often nowadays. i mean.. there have been days that i just feel so wretched and so unfairly treated by some managers or coworkers... then she'll say something so nice to me that almost makes me want to cry it's so nice... and i just have so much thankfulness in my heart for her. i wanted to have her over for tea... but she can't drive.. i may have to invite someone else along also who can pick her up.. cuz i really want her to come over one day. or get someone to take me.
 Graceangel · Tue Nov 23, 2004 @ 06:49pm · 0 Comments |
