Welcome to Gaia! :: View User's Journal | Gaia Journals

..where my walls get torn down in and instant, and I remember why I love her so much.

She's been on cam, just being herself.. and I remember it all. I start missing her so fiercely.. I really just want to tackle her, and make her mine all over again.. but it's not my choice. I can't say anything, I can't tell her one way or another.. it's really not my choice.

I've been trying so hard lately to force myself to be strong, to be able to survive if/when she does leave me... but the nagging doubt in the back of my mind won't let me push her away completely.. my heart still whispers, "she's the one, you're not allowed to give up just yet", and my gut, my gut is the worst of them all, it says, "she really is the one.. you're making a huge mistake."

I know I'll manage if she does leave me.. I know I'll be able to make it on my own.. but it'll be a very tough way to live. I'll constantly compare every girl I meet to her, and when they aren't an exact clone, I'll dismiss them, and move on to someone else.. as the years pass by, I'll eventually let my heart grow to love someone else, but at that point, I may be too old, too stubborn, and ready to settle for a life of solitude.

It's funny how in one moment.. one instant.. your conviction, your strength, your willpower, can be blown apart, and you're left crippled and vulnerable, fighting your hardest just to prevent yourself from looking like a fool, to prevent yourself from saying, "This is ******** retarded, Chloe, I ******** love you with all my heart, ******** the future, ******** whatever stupid fights we have, I love you, I want YOU, I don't want anyone else, I don't care about anyone else, I just want us to be together. This doubt is ******** me over, I hate this break, and I really just want everything to go back to the way it was", but.. I know I can't.

I can't say it, because it'll only break her heart, she needs me to stay out at a distance right now, to be neutral, and let her make this decision on her own... but now I remember, and I won't ever forget, why I love her as much as I do.