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(Arg - I had so much typed up here, and then my laptop died and reset..)

Basically, I'll just slap down a few bits of what I had vented..

I was saying, I think Chloe has been thinking about dating other guys, locally -- and not just as friends, ya know? I think she's been meeting people, and trying to see if she can find someone.. something closer, something real, that she can actually have, and not have to spend a ton of money to get, or have to drive 15hrs, just to see for a few days..

&I wouldn't blame her one bit.

I think that's what the break was REALLY about.. she was hanging out with other guys, (maybe?) or atleast looking at them.. trying to meet them, see if she could find a guy like me closer by.. someone else.. and I don't blame her for trying.. if that's what she was doing.

If it was, then I can see where she's coming from.. I had the same thoughts for a very long time, before I finally decided that no matter how hard I look, I won't find anyone quite like her, and that there will be no one to replace her.

I don't think she feels that way yet, and if she does, I don't think she's 110% sure on it.. but she did end the break.. I think she may be settling, but is that what she wants? I dunno.

I know she was freaking out too -- I mean, she's only 18.. and now it's like she's life locked into this relationship forever.. and so she wanted a break, see if there's something more casual, I suppose, something else that could make her as happy, and wouldn't be "permanent".. but hm. I just don't know~

Of course this is all me being, "what if", ish.. about Chloe.. but I have a feeling I'm right.. and if I'm not, hey, I'm just talking to my journal, right? wink

I'm really not upset, at this thought.. and that's because I really do love Chloe, and all I really want is her happiness, and if she can find happiness closer, with someone else, I'm all for it.

Would I lie, and say it wouldn't hurt? No. I'd admit -- it'd hurt so ******** bad, I'd probably lay in bed waiting to die, thinking I must've suffered a fatal wound.. but I'd finally get over it, and move on. I'd see it was for the best, and I'd let it go.

She even admitted that she wanted the break to last a little longer, but she ended it.. and she said that's because she made up her mind, and didn't want to talk about the what -- I'm thinking it was probably to protect my feelings.. and she probably figures I'd freak.. but I dunno. I just understand where she's coming from, so I wouldn't.

The reason I'm even typing this up, is because I want to talk about it to someone, I'm not upset or hurting, but It's just fresh on my mind, and if I don't spill it somewhere, it may actually turn into paranoia, and be harmful, instead of just pondering..

But tonight, she even told me there was a "gamer guy" who she thought "liked her", and she said she thought he was boring, and that she didn't like him -- but I think somewhere deep down, she does have some feelings for him. Maybe nothing serious, just a little crush. He may be cute, he may be charming, she might want to go on a date with him, or she might think he's a viable replacement for me (which would be wrong, of course, but she'd have to find that out for herself.)

I think that's the whole reason for everything.. there have been guys somewhat nearer to her, that are similar to me in ways, that she's been considering dating, instead. Guys that could take my place, and make her happy.. something real, something to hold, something she could sleep with, and wake up next to.. something to love her, and hold her tight.. something to go on dates with.. a boyfriend who didn't live a thousand or so miles away.. and that must be really hard on her, as it is.

Another nagging little thought in the back of my mind, is the fact that her, and her friends don't think we'll be together past the end of the year.. It's nothing I'm truly concerned about.. but it keeps popping into my mind, and I keep wondering, "why..?" I suppose it could be because of the stress she was under.. or something else.. I'm really not sure.. but if it's because of how young she is, then I'd understand..

I keep forgetting she's only 18, and this must be terrifying to her, to already be locked in to this "end all be all" relationship.. she's probably terrified it's too serious too fast, because she's been with me for so many years, now. I don't want to put any pressure on her, so I encourage her to go out and look around, to see if there's anything she wants..

Hmmm.. I think I'm going to post this here too, because it's something that's fresh in my mind as well, and it's a little fear, nagging at me.. how she admitted she was changing, and she wasn't sure what she was going to become.. this was all on the break, or before.. but hm. I'm just a bit worried about it, I guess.. because she even admitted, being home alone doesn't bother her anymore.. I suppose living on her own helped a lot.. and meetin gnew people and all is changing her.. but she said that one of the reasons we may not be together is because she's changing, and she may just not want to be with me anymore, she loves me, but she might not want to be with me..

That terrifies me, too some.. but.. hm. I think that may be part of the reason why she thought that we may not be together past the end of the year, she wants a physical relationship, and she's getting a long distance one.. it may be very, very tough for her, and she may change, and decide she doesn't want it.. or, she might already be looking for someone else, and just holding on to me until she does... I'd know that feeling all to well, too.. It's what I did dating sary in college. I dated her, to have a safety net.. but I kept my eyes open..

Hm.. I suppose.. if that's what's going on, I don't know.. I just.. don't know. I wouldn't really get upset over it.. but I love honesty. I love knowing what's going on, at least.. and I'd want to know. I've actually had these suspicions since the break, but I dismissed them.. but right now, I just feel like putting them out there. I know I keep saying that I just want her happiness, then I say, "but I'm terrified of her changing and leaving me", which sounds hypocritical..

but it's just how we are. As humans, we're very selfish, and while we do honestly want something for others, we can't stop thinking of ourselves..but in the end, I really would like to know if that's what was going on, and I wouldn't be mad at her. It'd put me at ease to atleast know, because then I could deal with it.. but meh~

I can't stop thinking about it now though.. about her changing, and how she said she and her friends don't think we'll be together by the end of the year.. I'm sure that's different know, and that she was just under a lot of stress when she said it.. but still.. it really makes a guy think.. hell, she may not even remember saying it, but I do.. I remember every word anyone says to me, and I take it all into consideration.. it's how judge people's character, and the such.. but hm.. I don't know.

I'm spooked that, she said she's changing.. and that she's going to college and changing, and she even said, that I changed a lot during college... and she doesn't think we'll be together by the end of the year.. hm.. I just.. hm. Don't know, ya know?

Like, of course, my obvious paranoid thoughts are, "she's going to stop caring about how I feel, and get into drugs, and just not tell me about it".. because of course, that's my #1 fear, because of how many girlfriends, and friends I've lost to drugs.. but she said that if she did, she'd tell me, so atleast I'd know, and I wouldn't be as hurt as if she hid it from me.. hiding it from me would crush me.

My other thoughts on the subject are, "She'll change, and decide she doesn't want our relationship, she doesn't want a long distance relationship, she doesn't want a relationship in general", things like that. I guess I really am terrified of her change.. but it can't be helped, can it.. it'll happen one way or another.. just hearing that, "well, me and my friends don't think we'll be together by the end of the year", and her talking about changing.. and now me actually witnessing her changes (which she even admitted she was going through) I'm just.. really, really spooked X__x;;

Sad too, this journal entry started with me just wanting to talk, and now it's ending with some paranoia.. and ofcourse, the typical drug paranoia.. I remember back in the day, I said, "I feel bad for limiting you.." and she said, "it's okay, you went through your teen years without and you're fine.." and then it turned out she tried X and all.. hah~

Well, I'm going to voice those paranoid thoughts here, and I told her I'd stop bringing it up, so I'm not going to talk to her about it.. but I just want to let it out, so it doesn't start festering, and making me very paranoid..

I'm worried about her changing, most of all.. is changing, to just wanting to casually drink, smoke, and do drugs. I'm worried that she'll start changing, keep thinking it's really not a big deal as long as she's careful, and uses in moderation, and goes about her life like that.. but she doesn't realize how serious they are.. she may think she does, but people don't realize it.. and she even admitted she as a addictive personality.. (not hella bad, but still..) so I'm worried she'll change and become that kind of person.. that's honestly one of my biggest fears.. and I'm terrified, terrified, that she'll want to do X again some day, because she liked it.. I was the same when I was younger, I used to huff aerosol cans (like an idiot.. it's a fake high and the chances of death are so ridiculously high) but I did it, because I wanted to be cool.. and god do I ever feel so stupid about it, and I worry to this day about the adverse affects it had on my body, but I did it because a girl in my class told me to, and.. I wanted to impress her, and I was curious.. and I did it, I liked it (well I didn't really) but I kept randomly thinking about it, and just did it again one day..

I'm worried that the same thing will happen to her, that's why I'm so scared that she liked X.. because if she thinks she's safe doing it so far from now... then what's to stop her, except for my promise.. and she even hesitated before she promised me again that she wouldn't.. she said she was afraid that she might break it again, but this time she wouldn't.. but I dunno.. I'll have my doubts until I'm with her irl, living with her.. ><.. but for now, all I can do is trust her, and keep reassuring myself that she won't, and that she isn't.. and I can only hope that if she does, she tells me..

Really, that's all I care about.. honesty. I don't care if you think I'm going to spaz -- chances are, if you just tell me, I'll actually be pretty calm about it, because hey, you were honest. I may be upset about it.. but yeah, you were honest, so I'll take it easy on you. That's all I care about, is honesty.. no matter how bad it hurts, just let me know. I'll deal, but I like knowing better than the deceit.. because usually what I come up with in my mind is a billion times worse.

For the record -- I do trust her, too. I know she wont' do it again, in my gut.. but my mind, it has it's fears.. cancer have trust issues inherently..so I'm going to have my doubts for a while.. but I have doubts about other stupider things...

Like, I sometimes worry that she really wasn't a virgin.. that maybe she did lose it middle/highschool.. and she's just ashamed, and doesn't want to admit it.. would I be mad? No. I'd probably laugh, but I'd be happy just knowing.

That's all I really started this journal entry thinking about, honestly. Just knowing.. just knowing that hey, she has feelings for other guys, and our break was to give them a shot. Stuff like that.

I dunno. I suppose the question is too, now that I'm thinking about it -- does the fact that she tried X make me even MORE paranoid about it? No, actually. I'm probably less paranoid than I would be, because I'm naturally a paranoid person.. Hell.. I even think she might've smoked pot before, (not second hand) but she won't tell me about it.. (which I'd like to know. I wouldn't get upset, really, just curious XP) but yeah.

Every time she'd be going to a rave, I'd be terrified she'd be doing drugs. Knowing she tried X once, that doesn't make me more paranoid.. it just calms me down, some, actually. I know that part of the young drug curiosity was satisfied, and so it's less likely to happen.. and that now we've talked about it, blah blah.. yeah. Sooo.. hm. Knowing, makes me less paranoid 110%. XP

Do I hope that she'll never do it again? Yes. Do I honestly, at this moment, believe it'll never happen again? Not really.. but I do trust her, and so, I'm going to hope. I'm going to hope that until I move there, she stays to her promise.. but of course, like I said -- I'm paranoid.. so I have my doubts. But I do trust her, and so, I'm putting all my trust in her, and when my honest feelings come about, I tell them to hush, because i trust her, because, my honest feelings are paranoia.. XD I can't help it, I've always been that way.. and my honest feelings are wrong a majority of the time. Gut feelings are always right, and my gut says to trust her. Hell, even Neena says to trust her.. so. I'm doing it.

Chloe is sure an interesting person to date though.. I just hope that throughout, she stays honest with me.. lets me know what's going on, what's happening, and doesn't feel the need to keep things from me..because all I want from her, is the truth. That's all that will ever make me happy, is the truth.