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I know I do not often do this and that when I do, I try to keep it short and sweet. For some reason, as of lately...I have been truly depressed. Then again...I am beginning to wonder if I have been carrying this baggage within me for a while.

Ever since I received word that my sister was pregnant after all the efforts my husband and I have been making, a certain emptiness has lingered inside of me. I have even become sorely jealous that even though, she is having this baby outside of wedlock that is is she having a baby, and not me.

Then...I have truly wondered if I am even ready for one. My parents constantly tell me I lack the maturity for one even as a married woman...so I have been taking their words into consideration. This too has contributed to the pain. I will not deny that I still have my childish moments...it just wounds me to the heart to know that my parents think so lowly of me having a child, seeing as they were also the ones telling me how good I am with children.

There has also been yet another issue...

For the longest time, I have been unable to make good friends, the right choices, or truly do any good or anything truly right in my life.

In high school as well as through most of my childhood years I never seemed to make any of the right sort of friends. In high school my best friend tried to kill herself claiming that another friend who had recently commited suicide had been her best friend...instead of me, which I had always thought myself to be seeing as she always used to say that and then she went out not long after and overdosed. I was the last person to talk to my best friend, and I made her promise not to harm herself. Little did I know...she had already taken the pills and that I was the one...that kept her concious until the police came. Everyone blamed me for it too...including her parents.

From there it was an endless fall downward.

In college I got involved with a Christian young woman who often spoke of herself as a girl to have stolen many of her friends' boyfriends in high school then persistently tell me of dreams she had of my husband (fiance at the time) about how he cheated on me with her then left me for her. There was also the constant put downs whenever he and I had a fight. She would always tell me how childish I was, and yet...I never saw much different come out of her and her fiance's arguements. Then of course, there was always the nights the two of us actually made plans, and in the end she would run out to be with him. Of course, I understood seeing as he was her significant other, but after some time...it began to truly hurt.

I also got myself involved with a young man, who was not a Christian, but agnostic. In the end it turned out he was just using me and that he hated me to no end.

Even now...I have some problems with friends.

I have a fifty year old gentleman for a friend, yet he does not seem to mind judging the book by its cover or acting truly in a way, I never thought he could when he does not get things his way. When I go out with him to hang out, he treats my husband and I more or less as tag alongs rather than friends.

My husbands friends, which...I do not know where they all stand spiritually. I know one is pagan. They just...are not the best influences on my life...or his for that matter. They cuss constantly and act rudely as well as carelessly. This bothers me too, seeing as I am no longer the carefee teenager that I used to be. It also has a great deal to do with a lie I was told...it may have been a small one, but now I know they will lie for my man to me.

I have had some serious trouble getting past all this, and am still not completely past it. At times, I think I never truly will be. Seeing as there is maybe one to three truly good friends I have. One of which is on the internet, another I am in contact with only through letters, and the best of them all is my husband.

The greatest trial though that I feel I am facing is with God...and being who He wants me to be, not to mention keeping my focus and desire to be a youth minister...missionary, or some form of vessel for others for in my heart I feel I have been called to share His word with others.

Since I have started this...I have lost my best friend of thirteen years completely and demolished any form of hope that was left for us to work things out...because of my beliefs. Which I have yet to lose faith in God even after this.

Yet...the biggest issue in regards of this is perhaps lack of faith in myself. I find now days I am constantly reminded of the imperfections in my life and compare that to the person that I should be, and in the end...I end up discouraged and wondering why I even began to make what efforts I have to share God's word with others, while I myself am not fit or worthy of Him.

Take for example: The way I judge others or the way of which I almost do not wish to associate or be near some of the trouble friends such as that of the recent ones with the elderly gentleman and the friends of my husband. Some of them cuss...well, I think to myself...how many times do I do that when I am angry? Am I truly one to judge? When I think of it that way...I realize no. I am not. So why then do I see them as bad influences or friends if I myself am imperfect and do some of the same things?

Not to mention when I first told my parents, they were disappointed. They had known for four years or more that my direction was writing. I loved to write then, and I still do today...just not as much because of some past issues I have with them and support. It was even more painful to see them repeated with this...for God truly is a wonderful God to share with others, and seeing as my parents are believers...it just truly pained me not to see them excited or even happy for that decision. Did I quit then? No. Although now, I am beginning to wonder if I should...especailly after reflecting upon my own actions.

.....I am just....so lost right now...

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