Welcome to Gaia! :: View User's Journal | Gaia Journals

well that sucked!~

Chloe wanted to read the private journal entry, and I wasn't going to show it to her.. because it was just blah, but she insisted.. and I dunno. I felt really guilty about hiding it from her.... .___.;;;

It wasn't all that bad, but it wasn't exactly great, and blah.. Basically, with how life has been going for me, I've just begun to question whether or not things are going the way I want them to..

I'm still sitting on the beach, watching the fish swim and play.. wondering if I should let myself get swept away by the current, but then I keep remembering that I'm single, and for a good reason.. and so the beach is for me..

It's not so bad, being dry..

/sigh

I'm being retarded, however, and I know it. I know, that I love her. I know I love her in a romantic way. I know that, if fate is to be believed, and there is a "one", then there's a 95% chance that she's it.

I know that if she's not "it", then I probably don't want whoever else is out there to offer.

I look at other girls and other people now, from a man who's in love's point of view. I want to sum up and compare other girls to what I have.. not because I'm looking to replace what I have -- I enjoy what I have, but I suppose it's just re-assurance that what I have is what I want. It sounds stupid, and it probably is, but.. it's just how guys work.

Thinking about the future without her, however.. isn't fun. I just imagined any other girls from a guy without chloe's point of view, and all I'd see are grey blobs that meant nothing to me.. whereas, WITH chloe, I'd see other girls/guys/etc.; It's kind of retarded.. but yeah.

It's the type of situation I used to do with other girls I was dating. If I could see myself without them, with someone else in the future.. they weren't meant for me. If I had sexual fantasies about someone else, (someone I knew) and I got more excited about the other person (it was always chloe, lol) then they weren't the one. Right now.. I can't really do that. Chloe is basically -IT-. Of course forbidden fruit is always the sweetest, so while another girl may seem exciting at the moment, even just summing them up.. at the end of the day, I want Chloe, and no one else.

Talking helps me think about things, and talking to her, even a little, helped a lot. I keep wondering, "is this what I really want?" and the answer is: "Yes." Yes, it is. A kid down the line..? Maybe. Chloe? Yes. Hell... if it comes down to it, I'm sure I'll be a great father. I'd love to raise a gamer girl, get her started on all the classics, teach her what good music is, and make her a mini-me. :3

Fact of the matter is... she's what I want, she's good for me, I've been becoming a better person since I've been with her, I've been becoming more open minded and more open to new experiences, and I'm actively getting my life together and working towards goals that will help me in the future. She's good for me -- I wouldn't have gotten a job if it wasn't for her. I wouldn't be looking at going to college without her support. (In the future, of course.) She's been my inspiration and my strength when needed... and I appreciate it. I love her.. yes, I really do.

As a guy.. I kinda still don't know what love is, really.. but I'm learning day by day that whatever it is, I feel it for her.